New Beginnings

10 days in to this new chapter of life, and things are rockin' & rollin'. By that, I mean I've done less laying in a fetal position dying of anxiety/depression and more actual things! Epic win, even if I do still feel like my head is spinning off and I have no idea what I'm doing - I'm pretty sure that's a permanent state of being, and as long as I'm getting my life back, I can handle some head spinning/a lot of self-doubt.

I need to make another post about my therapy session yesterday because the doc had such great ideas - namely, making a list of all the qualities I value in a future partner so that I can work on becoming the type of person I want to be with forever. Seeing as I'm the only one I'm truly stuck with for life, this seems fairly important. That decade spent thinking of nothing but drugs & instant gratification is going on 3+ years of work to un-do the damage... I'm here for it though.

Audio recording from 8/9/2023 almost 8/10/2023

New Chapter Interlude

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/5:33

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WOO! Alright, 5 minutes is good, the half hour I'm trying to upload for 'the end of a chapter' is not so great... noted.

I'm trying to remember why it called it the interlude... oh yes! Duh, because this feels like a strange 'in-between' period of my life. Kind of similar to when I moved home after California, although at least this time I didn't stick with a boyfriend just to avoid loneliness... progress!? Wow, I remember visiting my sis shortly after I moved home at the end of 2015, and I'm pretty sure if anyone had told me then I'd be living here (happily, by choice, currently not enjoying an empty home beachside in florida because at 32 I've finally accepted I need some help in terms of external accountability ... I may hate being told what to do, but I can accept the obvious improvements in my desire to be alive when living here vs. alone) back then, I would have laughed them out of the room. Oooh how things change - anyone that says no one and nothing changes is wrong, because my relationship with my sister/approach to life/everything is different from 8 years ago.

AnYwAyS, I wanted to write this to get some things remembered:

• In order to understand what I value, write a list of qualities I'm looking for in a future soulmate. I have been so afraid - my entire life - of admitting to wanting to find love/a life partner/marriage (still think the shenanigans/ceremonies are absurd, but saying I don't want to get married just isn't true. I couldn't admit that until recently) that I've been living to avoid being 'desperate' 'lonely' 'the single friend desperately searching for love and turning into a spinster' because I was so afraid of settling. FINALLY, I've realized that I can admit to wanting to find someone to be with forever without accepting anything less than a soulmate/true love. I just can't let the loneliness win, and most importantly: I have to figure out how to love myself first.
• CORE 4: the 'headway' app hit me with an absolute gem today that completely reinforced everything I talked to my therapist about. Main takeaway is that life can be divided into 4 categories and goals/plans should be based on ensuring all 4 categories are positive. Naturally, a lot of this is the same advice I know to take: meditate, yoga, eat healthy, etc. etc... but clearly just telling myself to do that hasn't worked yet. The idea is that by re-framing how I think about life (aka undoing 10 years of damage - thank you neuroplasticity!) I'll be able to better handle ... it. All of it. Life. Doing things, being a person that doesn't have 38219 panic attacks before going out anywhere socializing is required, getting a job - deciding what that job is and not worrying I'll ever turn to drugs to do it - just... living again.
• External accountability is not a bad thing. Caring what people think/giving too many fucks? Unnecessary. Having people that love me around which inspires me to be a better person and start making the changes I've been pontificating (ooh wow what a word!) about for 3 years? Necessary - for sure.
• Future plans are not the same as forever plans: just because I pick somewhere to live and make it a nice home, that doesn't mean I'm stuck anywhere. I can travel, I can move (clearly) etc. etc.
• "The Last Thing He Told Me" -Laura Daves, epic book and show, time to watch the final episode.

xoxo,
Gossip Girl - hahhh as if, still just me <3