Phase... 3?

I KIND-OF started the tutorials for this website design platform I'm using (GhostPro). I paid extra to have the domain name connected to a customizable website because, in theory, I hoped it would motivate me to learn whichever coding languages necessary to do what I want. 2+ years later, and all I've done is use this as a journal and test out a few features.

Why does starting this task feel so daunting? I think it always comes back to fear of failure, but I haven't even come up with any criteria for success! That being said, I finally took the baby first step:

VS Code

I downloaded it from the documentation section about changing the theme, which I don't care enough to do right now, but hey it's a start! I'll stick with my black and white theme until I'm... idk, less depressed/more recovered?

So back to that whole, "what's the point of this" question - I've been thinking about this a lot the past few days. I was planning to upload videos/voice recordings from the past couple nights that essentially are just me thinking out loud, but I haven't decided yet.

For now, I need to get back to the basics - that's the theme of the videos from what I recall. That and the fact they follow the same rule as livestreams... NO DELETING AND NO DO-OVERS! I realized with that 1 rule that I want my future bestseller to be authentic above all else. Social media provides enough outlets to show off the non-authentic sides of myself (some would say multiple personalities, but whatever), so this is going to continue being where I come to make forward progress in my recovery. Some would say that 2+ years without opiates (excluding the couple times I tried to get high while on suboxone - waste of money, but not a relapse) is enough to start writing my future bestseller about my road to recovery and/or the struggle I had with drugs for a decade. Yeah, I thought that too when I first purchased this domain name - although back then I still had the adderall (which was probably meth) so I knew I had more work to do before I could reflect on my life lessons without cringing.

What is MFBS?

Now there's the problem: I don't know. It was always just an idea, a concept, a joke when something shitty or funny happened and I'd say "it's just content for my future bestseller." Originally it was meant to be life lessons, although by the time I had the same 'realization' for the 4th time I realized the only lesson this was teaching me is that I already know the answers for how to live a more fulfilled life: doing them is the issue. Before I can go off on that tangent (MOTIVATION, WHERE ART THOU?) I want to list out the crap in my head on this topic:

• Figure out what the hell my goal is with this website. Currently it's a nonsensical blog with weird images and non-uniform tags.
• I have to clean those damn tags up.
• This feels like a new phase... there's nothing specific to mark it (like 'sober phase 2' as one of the instagram highlights is called because it was life after adderall), but before I hit 100 posts I want to write less and design more.
• Writing less brings me back to my idea on videos: it takes far less time for me to babble about nothing than it does for me to write the same babbling.
• Social media for MFBS... driving me bananas, I made an instagram and facebook at the same time I got the domain name, but I only utilize the instagram. Do I need anything else?
• It depends, again, on my goal here. The thought of people reading this is absolutely horrifying, yet isn't that the point of writing a book? A bestseller gets its name because everyone reads it... but I don't want my posts this far to be my main book content.
• Do I even want to write a book?
• Maybe not... I guess memoirs are so 2000, so I should step into the 21st century and accept that I'm a blogger right now. ugh but I despise that word.
• Back to social media - my plan was to eventually use instagram to get people to the website in hopes that it helped even just 1 person to better understand addiction, recovery, depression, and/or anxiety. I've toyed with the idea of creating forums, but everything I think of leads back to something else. Here's what I mean:
• —> videos are for youtube
• —> forums = reddit (right?) ... I guess I could have one here? idk I'll have to look into it. Am I even using the word forum right? I mean like a message board for people to comment/start discussions/etc.
• —> that also could describe a use for a facebook group - or 'discord' if I want to be fancier.

So if I'm not writing a book, what am I doing?

Up until now I was fine answering that with just "using it to help my recovery" but - hey this is why it's a new phase - I want it to be more than that now. This is likely do to the fact I'm somewhat caring about more than just existing these days.

Money?

I've thought a bit about this... how do websites make money? Advertising or selling either products or the right to read the content. I don't plan on doing either. I guess Dave Portnoy should probably be my inspiration based on the fact he took Barstool Sports from an unread newspaper to the top blog/podcast/everything in the world. Up until recently I would have said "but I have a job, I don't need this to make money" ... and while I'm confident I can get another job soon, the idea of not needing a 9-5 job has my gears spinning. True story: I almost let some instagram person convince me to "model" for $2500 an hour. By model, I realized she meant "fuck a guy in a studio" which I honestly considered before remembering I have a father and brother who would murder me for doing that. My 'interviews' with her were not completely useless though: I was in the process of getting tips on how to do a strip tease when I stopped answering. That was a good time. Along similar lines, I've also thought about 'Only Fans' ... again, dad and brother would kill me, but it just seems like such a fairly easy way to get paid for some pictures I already have. I recently learned there's a lot more to it, but still, I'm pretty sure you get to control what you post - it just depends what you're willing to do for a price. That'd be a terrifying experience, because I am either in 1 of 2 moods: down for anything or down for nothing.

Have I found my goal for this yet other than helping my recovery by getting the restless sea of thoughts out of my head? I've been wanting to start editing because I already have almost 100 posts, and unless I start a new page I'm going to have to go back and edit all of those for formatting once I figure out the coding. Yeah definitely starting a new page if that's the case.

OH and the other main thought - I have GOT to figure out how to get the ghost pro app working on my phone. That's really the main purpose of the instagram right now - get thoughts out when I'm not at a computer, but I have far too many notes & google docs that have never made it here for my liking. In fact, I'll do that now.

bye future self: i hope you're feeling more sane than when you wrote this originally.