NO EDITING ALLOWED!

...so here's the (very minimal) things I've allowed myself to delete, starting with this first time ever deleting content (2/5/21), because I now realize it's probably best to allow for some filtering of the mayhem out of the main content into here.

2/10/21:

Yeah, I need to strike a balance (as opposed to all or nothing thinking!) between being completely honest with my writing here and making sense. There's only so many thought loops I can even try and trace back from, but this is more like just a spot to ensure I stay honest and keep down any thoughts that make it to typed words on a page. If it didn't exist then I could be editing these all along and making this process of [recovery/living with mental illness/growing up in the 2020's/living] seem like I have everything under control far more than I really do.

1. "...but marriage sucks!"

the original title was:

...the thought I had while TELLING MYSELF 'don't borrow trouble' aka don't worry about THE POTENTIAL of being old and lonely in 50 years (I'm rolling my eyes at myself), but clearly I had to get this thought out:

MARRIAGE SUCKS!

AND, from the end, because it fits better with this shit-show: confirmation from the universe: I'm just wanting what I can't have.

The irony of the fact I just accidentally clicked into this doc from last month and saw the highlighted quote is too blatant not to include. I'm taking it as final confirmation that all my worrying yesterday was simply a side effect of feeling unreasonably rejected by someone I never consciously thought I had even given an opportunity to reject me. Classic "wanting what you can't have": suddenly wanting someone I never pursued while he was available just because he's not anymore. I really need to buy myself a fake wedding/engagement ring, since if my own behavior/thinking is any indication of the general population then there's serious truth to the idea that we all want what we can't have.

Or, as I captured in this document of "best lyrics and book quotes", to put it more eloquently:

the roster method:

NOTES FOR ANOTHER ENTRY SOMEDAY:

Dating sucks in a way different way than marriage, probably since there's no legal work involved, because dating sucks in an entertaining "do it for the story" type of way. Damn, I need to start getting my stories down too - not now, but soon... going to keep a bulleted list just in case my memory ever fails:

• Having the first time meeting a guy also be while you're bringing him as a date to a party - bonus points for wedding related parties, because everyone knows they're the bane of single females existences'. My first date after conversing via bumble then text for a week with Mr. Tall Guy (yeah, the evil one - still a great story) was Ana's engagement party... and it was a fucking blast. Great night all around, and far more fun than I was likely to have had on my own. PLUS, he made for great topic of conversation with the people I did know, and it was a blast pretending we'd been dating for ages to the people I didn't know.