not a clue

when I'm depressed, all I can do is read to stay sane - so I am realizing that when I'm anxious I need to write if I want to remain sane.* Most of these thoughts would have spilled out via text, so I'll save my friends the babble (although shout-out to babies Al & Nicole, who may or may not ever read this, but you both - as always, but especially this past month - are the reason I survived the last 4 weeks without my head exploding from all the thoughts) and just 'livestream' everything here.

I almost forgot I have tags (or something similar) set up and there is one for livestreams... it's crazy to think that when I actually write here - and I've never yet re-read anything - I'm just documenting a bunch of thoughts from a point in time... so in theory, I should probably be repeating myself a lot more than I think I am, just based on the fact that I feel so differently day to day (hell, second to second) about things that I feel as though I should already have firm beliefs about. I guess this is the part of the recovery process where I come up with life values in real life, not rehab. dear god this process is such a bitch - the fact all this comes naturally to some people ('this process' = being a sane functioning human adult) is absolutely mind-boggling to me. My sister for example, I saw her today and on the drive home thought to myself "wow, every time I've seen her the last decade it feels like she's become more mature whereas I've stayed the same." ...naturally that led to some unproductive thoughts about whether or not I've ruined my life by relying on chemicals (PEDs, performance enhancing drugs... for me specifically adderall, xanax &/or percocet. is it weird that by the end it HAD to be that combination? just one wouldn't do it for me - 2 was okay, but 3 was the sweet spot. my heart literally sang with joy when I knew I had an adderall, any benzo, and any opiate pill all in my little wallet pocket at the same time. whatever, as I said, unproductive thoughts).

SEE, unproductive thoughts!

Anyways, I guess I'm questioning everything (as always) and realizing that the only way to silence the relentless thoughts is to think my way through them. ew that sounds so obvious and lame but whatever, AH I REMEMBER - I have a no delete rule for situations like this. because - ahh yes yes, no one's ever going to read it and that's the only reason I can treat MFBS as a journal. no editing, or else nothing would ever get posted. clearly, complete sobriety has kept me more depressed than anxious because I haven't ended up here as often... although, maybe the reason I've lost so many "friends" is due to not remembering to spill my thoughts here instead of to them. I thought something similar earlier but realized that at the end of the day (another obvious statement but whatever) the only person truly stuck with me is me. So I have to figure out how to like myself - and the only way I know how to do that is keep doing what I'm doing: accepting that I'm a work in progress and always will be. RECOVERY IS SLOW - that had to be in caps because it's been emphasized to me so many times, but goddamn the line between recovery and just living life is getting blurrier every day.

THAT is the thought I was trying to get to earlier, there we go, I knew I'd get there: what's recovery vs. life? Can I excuse some of my failings because 'I'm in recovery' or at this point do I just suck at life? Okay no that's negative - I don't suck at life, I'm doing fine... actually, better than fine lately. I hate that I know a large part of that 'better than fine' comes from the fact I'm (potentially - I don't want to jynx it and it's early days) in a happy relationship. I know I need to learn to feel 'better than fine' by myself... but I was getting by at least?

Hm, there's definitely the crux of one of my main issues that finally got my fingers flowing over this key board. Was I getting by? Am I relying too much on the first ever potential Mr. Right too much for my sanity/self-confidence? Is it wrong to have help along this journey? I know you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else (god that fucking cliche will be the death of me) but how the fuck do I know if I love myself? I mean I think I'm doing okay - he says he loves me, is it wrong to look at life through his eyes and realize I'm more lovable than I realized? I guess the only way to find out is if he leaves/I leave him... and that sounds like an incredibly stupid idea. "Why'd you break up with him?" "I realized I didn't know for 100% certainty if I loved myself without him, so I have to find out first - although I have no idea how I plan to go about doing that, so I guess I'll just be rejecting love until I die."

...yeah, nope, not doing it. I'm going to ride the wave of life with someone willing to be the anchor I need (god some people are always right - I just don't know if they deserve to be told that or if it would look like me just vying for attention, so for now I'll keep my thoughts here) and let that be one less thing I beat myself up over. Amanda & I had a similar conversation to this (love you girl) asking the same question - why can't someone be along for this recovery journey? Maybe I found our answer girlfriend: they can, if you can be your 100% true self with them all the time rather than pretending to be more healed than we really are.

...clearly that bong hit before my shower did me some good tonight. I didn't expect to finish writing this feeling better, but here we are: living the dream, one day at a time.

Side note, because I thought it earlier and have to get it out of my head: I'm basically documenting my own descent into insanity OR ascent into sanity... depending how the rest of my life goes. Interesting. My future bestseller is currently just 'my present attempt to stay sane, documented here instead of in a journal that can be thrown away' (yes dad, i'm still salty about that. ALL THOSE LIFE LESSONS, built up over years, just thrown away - maybe I'll try and start a thread of life lessons here... I probably already have, but I want to try and remember the old ones). It makes me wonder why the fuck I have an instagram for this when every time I realize someone I actually know is following me I have a minor panic attack before remembering no ones likes reading - especially not a flowing train of thought, so I'm safe... besides, I don't care what anyone thinks (thanks Mark Manson) - I'm just trying to learn to live with myself and hopefully learn to love myself along the way.

Adios xx

*I'd like to meet someone who is so sure of themselves that they have never, not once, questioned their own sanity.