NYE

happy new year, future me. I have been doing a lot of thinking since my last post. In fact, I'm 99% sure I made myself sick from over-thinking. I did write a journal entry I'll have to take a picture of and put in here (I wrote in my journal because I knew I wouldn't get up from my bed to type it here), but that was only 1 step. Here's the next one: trying to figure out which fear to tackle first.

There's more than 1?

I didn't think so until recently. For a decade it's been "just quit drugs and everything will work out" .. until I quit drugs, was dead sober (pretty sure there's a post from my time at home in 2021... dark days), and ya know what? NOTHING was better. Now I know it's supposed to be obvious that life without drugs is better overall (health, sanity, etc.), but as mikey so eloquently put it... "everyone's on something."

That got me thinking: it's not like anything I'm taking is serving much of a purpose asides from appetite suppressant (which I will admit is a big bonus in my fucked up head) and giving me something to focus on in order to "fix" my life. Then recently I got sick, and went a couple days with Kratom ... and realized I was fine. I've even tried taking some today, and they seem to hurt my stomach. Why? I have no fucking clue, but I'm certainly not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I'm not a complete idiot: I know the lingering problem always has been the adderall. It's not having access to any that brings me back to that dark dark place I was in before I got it prescribed post-suboxone. But again... what's it doing for me? Keeping me awake so I can be miserable for more hours? YAY! fucking not!

I know I've gone through this cycle many times: what will it take this time for me to remember the way I have felt the last few weeks even with my prescribed adderall (and trying to take more just to feel anything)?? Hopefully, writing it here. I specifically remember a journal entry from years ago where I wrote "I paid hundreds of dollars to feel this way" as tears were streaming down my face. ... but even that would be preferable to this apathy!

Somewhere, in the mayhem of my mind, is an answer so close that I swear I can almost feel it. I'm so sure it'll bubble up and be a damn cliche like "live each moment like it's your last" or that annoying one about missing the forest for the trees which I always forget the accurate meaning of. I digress. Future self, here is what you must know before this year comes to an end:

Last Minute Thoughts...

You've faced your subconscious fears about swapping addictions for other chemicals: congrats! Now, what the hell are you going to do about it? Well, according to... either meditation or the inner peace workbook, both of which I haven't done since Christmas Eve ... I need to figure out what else I'm afraid of. Maybe not even what else, but why am I afraid of taking all the effort to get off pills again (even if they are different pills)? Because, life without them wasn't worth living. I'm not trying to be dramatic - to my overprivileged ass, it wasn't. I am so sure that if a serial killer picked me up and locked me away I'd find my survival instinct, but until then it seems conspicuously MIA. SoOoOoOo that means I need to keep figuring out what the hell my fears are that cause me to reach for a pill/my juul/food/any substance to curb my anxiety/depression. Ideas...

• Being alone (first thing that came to mind, seeing as I generally strive to be alone... but I think I mean long-term. I'd like to find my soul mate, once I fix my own soul)
• Not having the money I need to do what I want ... welcome to the real world kiddo, that's 99% of people's problems. And the other 1%? They have problems money can't solve! NOT TO MENTION, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT!
• Okay maybe that's getting me somewhere: I'm afraid I'll never make a decision. Easy remedy? PICK SOMETHING. ANYTHING! I've had it written on whiteboards for months! How is it possible that reality is so scary (or maybe boring?) to me that I have to hide away in books?
• Ooh boring hit on an idea... I need to find a way to live a life of excitement. This is ridiculous, but when I was trying to help free a little bunny from a fence the other day, it occupied 100% of my thoughts - I even ran to my apartment and back (for clippers to try and free the bunny) without a 2nd thought to how out of shape I am.
• How can I recreate that situation, but in real life? I know I have to accept that a lot of life is just boring - fine fine, I get it, I've tried every drug under the sun and understand that there's no way around boredom. That doesn't mean I can't use my addictive tendencies (and perhaps develop some patience) to channel all that energy into something positive.

What is that 'something positive' ?

... still working on that. Granted, there's plenty of options: number 1 being this website of mayhem in which I still don't know how to upload oversized videos, never mind learning cool software engineering type things. Am I scared I'll fail, or scared I won't like it and then will be right back where I am MINUS the hope that I could be interested in this?

I am not sure, but I'm sure the answer will come to me eventually. Until then, I'll be busy trying not to die.

OH wait, I remember from my journal entry I wanted to include this:

I am currently "surviving" (because I barely make it out of bed each day), I'd like to get to "existing" (summer of 2021 is what I think of, even if there was a lot of sleeping involved), but the real goal is LIVING.