Okay, no psych ward needed.

Original Title: someone put me in a psych ward

That's a sentence I NEVER thought I'd think, never mind type a few years ago.  Virtual rehab was so appealing because it meant I couldn't get locked up somewhere and be forced to stay against my will (I know it doesn't work like that, but no one said my thoughts are logical most of the time... despite the fact I work in analytics... which brings me back to my existential crisis). Today was a fucking DAY. I caught myself wondering if it was possible to leave a 'just in case' suicide note that would somehow make it so that everyone in my life would be okay with me 'accidentally' overdosing (on anything but preferably painkillers... maybe heroin, i mean if i'm going out i'm going out with a bang, right?). Now the last time I had such thoughts, I - to my own shock - did the right things: meditated more, took time off work (albeit not in the best manner, but thankfully J-Man is the man and was understanding: depression doesn't follow a schedule or allow for prep time), went to a NEUROLOGIST (yeah! i waited months for that appointment! fat lot of good it did other than tell me what I already knew: I have severe depression & ADD... although at the time my depression was so severe he said that it could be impacting the 'adult ADD' results. truth - i didn't give a shit about the stupid test questions), and eventually moved home so that I eventually ran out of adderall and had to give it up.

But... AGAIN!?

A year ago I felt the way I do now for the first time I can remember in a long time. WHY!? It seems absolutely ridiculous that I'm making myself physically sick with anxiety trying to figure out the source of my depression since MY LIFE IS NOT BAD!!!!! My dog is the fucking coolest, I'm dating an amazing guy, my niece & nephew are only an hour and 20 away along with my sister, I can drive 10 hours to Florida whenever I want to see my parents and brother (on the beach in a mansion... poor me), and I even have a new potential friend to meet in Raleigh this weekend (thank you NW, love ya girl even if you'll never see this - making friends as an adult fucking sucks, but that's a topic I could write pages on). SO WHAT GIVES? It has to be work.

I'm panicking because it's hitting home (certainly not for the first time - probably not even the 10th, I know I spent last summer panicking about this exact thing even though I didn't quite realize it at the time... at least not consciously enough to communicate it well) that I spent about a decade becoming a workaholic and now have absolutely no idea what I actually like, dislike (don't even get me started on values) or therefore what the fuck I want to do with my life.

I KNOW, I am lucky that my worst case scenario is moving back in with my parents in Florida - that would be a dream for so many people. That awareness makes the depression worse, because while guilt may be a useless emotion it's absolutely a strong one. Yes, I feel guilty for being depressed and having suicidal thoughts, because my life isn't nearly bad enough to end! I just get stuck in these horrible dark places in my brain where I can't even read to calm down. That's how I know it's bad. Trying to describe the feeling is so difficult - especially to someone (like my kind, loving boyfriend) that has never experienced it themselves. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I really don't think you can understand it unless you've been through it. I certainly didn't before I fucked my own brain up with drugs, compounding the existing genetic predisposition to depression (thanks fam), and feeling it myself.

But there's a silver lining: I'm here.

Writing - and it is absolutely not a damn suicide note (I refuse to even type the absurd things I thought of for that, because that would be allowing the thoughts space in my brain that they do not deserve: BECAUSE FEELINGS CAN'T KILL YOU – thanks baby al). I also just remembered that one of my ... 58 (not as bad as the work messenger ones, impressive!) unread text messages is from the only person who will read this just saying she was thinking of me - the difference that makes is literally unreal. I love you A, even if I suck at responding because I'm too busy drowning in my own head.

I heard a song called 'psycho' on my 'discover weekly' from spotify, and it hit home way too hard. let me find the lyrics I liked... AH it is called "nutcase" not pyscho, and it's by Ryan Caraveo. If I take the time to figure out how to add music to posts, that'll be the song here. instead, the lyrics...

Can't refer to my friends as my friends
'Cause if I was really one I would check up on them
I like to think that they proud of me
And that they understand what this shit is taking out of me
I'm hangin' on by a thread
Think I got it all together but I am
Still a nutcase, still a psycho
Tellin' mama any day I might blow up*
Stayin' up late, where did time go?
Still ain't caught a break but I'm like, "So what?"
Will my luck change? Fuck if I know
If I hear another "no" I might throw up
I'm a nutcase, I'm a psycho I'm a psycho
But any day I might blow up!
Any any day now, any day, any day
Any day now
Any any day now, any day, any day

*That line is absolutely not applicable: burdening my poor mother with my mental state is not something I plan to do, she's already worried enough I haven't found a doctor.

PLAN ... because I am an adult capable of making & sticking to plans:

Alright, so here's my plan (maybe if I pretend I have a shred of self discipline to actually follow through then I'll do it... worth a try, anything is at this point):

1. Find a doctor --> start with the link my mom sent me, and if that doesn't pan out then just call blue cross blue shield and ask their advice. Maybe ask one of the other remote employees at Wayfair?
2. Do my goddamn taxes --> I started them today (a minor win seeing as it's August of 2022 and these are for 2021... thank the universe for AG being an amazing accountant... maybe I should work a job that helps my childhood friends too! ... nah).
3. Talk to PR ASAP in the morning to figure out what the status is with work: are layoffs coming? a re-org? what is it exactly I'm meant to be doing? I mean I know I have a to-do list so long that it makes taking the time to write this seem absolutely ridiculous... but at least in that sense I have my priorities straight. Mental health > any job/career.
4. Based on that discussion, MAKE A DAMN DECISION!!! Lay out my options (stay in the role I'm in since that's the easiest option or explore any different career path - I can't be afraid to start over, otherwise I'll be writing this same post next yet) and then just put them in a hat and pull one out if I have to. ANYTHING to get a decision made, because as soon as I think about it I get ill - I'm still shocked I'm writing here.*

*I don't like that I can't have bullets under my numbers... which is a perfect segway to want I wanted the bullet to say anyways: regardless of what I decide, I absolutely 100% need to look into software engineering roles. Find that saved slack message from JS (my savior - JB may have some competition depending how this week shakes out... and this week has 1 day left, technically today since it's 2AM) and go through the different job titles as she explains them. It seems like javascript is the most useful language to learn, although I have a note somewhere saying which language Jess recommended. OR look at the info Laura P gave me about the classes she took - it wouldn't be a bad idea to set up time with her to figure out if she is happy with the decision she made, since I'd be trying to do basically exactly what she did: move into an engineering role without an engineering degree.

Nice.

Looking up my conversation with JS led me to:

• Update JB (I really need a therapist to spare him my rants, but his advice is so good!)
• Find the info JS had said on what types of roles she thinks I should apply to and (more importantly) what each one actually means/does.
• Schedule send a message to LP at 9AM to meet next week and talk about her transition into engineering as a 'social person' (per JS' original advice from weeks ago).
• Updated everyone I missed meetings with today (one less thing to worry about in 5-6 hours when the workday starts).
• Finally deal with my financial worries --> transferred $W into bank, set up my new credit cards autopay, etc.

See, it's all going to be okay. I have an OPPORTUNITY to relax (hah) and decide what I want to do with my life... as long as it pays at least 700 (car payment) + 800 (students loans) + 1025 (rent) per month. sigh.