but it HURTS

UPDATE: an hour, re-read text conversation, and run to the park later... because after I wrote this then re-read the conversation through post-sadness eyes (objectively) - I saw that today I was a verifiable lunatic ... despite being sober! fml. I thought cringe-worthy texts were limited to drunk ones? sigh. oh well.
I owe J an apology - well, owed: I called to apologize and it went straight to voicemail and I managed to get out an "I'm sorry", but I'll never be able to look him in the eye again. No, I'm not being dramatic, it was SO bad- and really fucking drove home the difference between virtual and in-person communication. I ALMOST had a moment if clarity, proven when I said something like "if we were in person this conversation would have ended in laughter instead", but when he called me out on that being contradictory to everything else I said (true) instead of saying "yeah, you're right, sorry... I realize now that my tone doesn't carry across text message and you're not able to read my mind" my fangs came back out. I was seriously a monster. Therefore, there's a new rule that should have been the original conclusion of this if Denver hadn't been giving me the mopey eyes to run to the park (jk, he's worth it - and probably half the reason I'm finally thinking clearly):

No sending written communications of any type (work/slack, whatsapp/imessage, dms/tweets/WHATEVER) unless I'm 100% sure that I'd be willing to pick up the phone and say the exact same things. Most of the time that'll be an obvious yes, but the edge cases I think make up more of my inner turmoil than I even realize yet... and in order not to completely panic, I'm just going to leave it at this: I'm thinking over some work emails where I thought I was being funny wondering if I should re-read them now to see if I come off as horribly evil/rude - because that's the base of the mistake I made earlier today talking to him. That's the truth, even if it's so incredibly stupid I don't even know how to apologize effectively (my voicemail was definitely a rambling strangled "i'm sorry" without much else of value). Even now I'm suffering the aftershocks: questioning my sanity/wondering if I have some personality disorder based on how floored I am by some of the things I said... but then when I remember that in the moment I thought it was clear that I was obviously joking with most of the absurd things I said, it makes a little sense... although only to me, because unfortunately I can't get out of my own head or effectively explain what's in it. Why did I think that was even funny? I knew he knew/thought I was upset, how could he know when my tone shifted from fake-mad to real mad!? I'm not sure who I thought I was entertaining, because it certainly wasn't him and re-reading it did NOT make me laugh... it made me question if I'm schizophrenic, because without the context of either body language or mind-reading capabilities it's impossible to know that I'm "obviously" joking. Alright, enough beating myself up for one night: trial by fire is what I knew I'd be doing when I started dating, I guess I need to accept the lesson learned and be better in the future... and find a way to purge my brain of the memories of the conversation.

Ugh, I just noticed the name of my last post was 'I accept the shitty feelings!' which is perfect because that exact post is what I had in mind while convincing myself to get my ass on this yoga ball and type my frustrations away here - NOT to whine about them to the source of pain or any of my darling friends, they've dealt with enough of my complaints this year. Nope, this is all part of dating games, so here I am - future self, be proud! (yeah, pat yourself on the back, you deserve it even if it took 6 hours and a few ego-bruising messages sent before you thought of it...)

Wait, what?

Sigh. Another one bites the dust - and what bothers me isn't the end of a relationship that never started so much as my overreaction in every way. Seriously, both my internal feelings about the situation and the reactions I expressed (thankfully only to him, and I certainly made sure he won't be talking to me again anyways) were/are COMPLETELY over the top for the situation. That situation, if I'm honest with myself and just type as the explanation as I think of it, is the following...

Date 2 with J (changed from a stupid name, mr. forgetful, which is what I was laughing at until I matured 24 hours later: hahh, at least I can amuse myself while writing - see, that's the beauty of being here!) did not go as planned in all ways possible. In fact, the only date was with my cell phone... and god knows I fucking hate being on my phone enough to have an avg. of 150 unread messages at a time. I KNOW that even before the argument via text that I had figured that while yes we did hit it off hiking Sunday and I was excited to see him again, it wasn't a forever thing. Have I been wrong before? Technically no, but I can admit a lot of my long term relationships started with the same feelings... maybe that's the problem? Whatever, the situation is, he postponed on Wednesday to Friday, but when Friday came along our laissez-faire attitude towards texting suddenly didn't seem as great as it had for the few weeks prior. Why? I let myself get excited. Not that being excited is bad, it's not... but I guess I got excited for the wrong reasons? Or before verifying that he was worth getting excited about? I don't know, but I do know that he didn't even bother to check-in at all until after I got so annoyed at his lack of response 3.5 hours post-5PM (he had said it would be an easy day for his last day of work, how was I meant to know they'd fire a bunch of people the same day he was quitting?) that I sent some fuck you type of sentiment - in words or middle fingers I don't remember, but it got the reaction I wanted: a response.

So what's the problem? My outfit, hair, AND makeup were on point, but I was so wrapped up in my stupid feelings about whether or not he wanted to hang out that I lost sight of my self-respect and wasted a great look to be sad about someone who could barely be bothered to let me know I had fallen down his list of priorities to the point where reading my messages was doable, but responding wasn't. Why didn't I just go out with Matt and talk about work? Because, I knew I wasn't on top of my game - but SAMMIIII the whole point is to be getting out of your comfort zone and to stop the all or nothing thinking! No waiting for a perfection that doesn't exist. Who the fuck cares what he wants anyways? As soon as I even thought to realize I was in the 'grey area' a la mark manson I should have cut my losses and accepted it then and there. It would have capped my wasted weekend at Friday night instead of bleeding in until saturday. What is the point of worshipping Mark Manson's articles if I don't actually take the advice? Nothing, so time to start taking it.

Let's start listing some lessons learned:

1. As I just said, stop waiting for a level of perfection to be reached - it doesn't exist and therefore whatever I'm waiting to do will never happen. Realizing how broadly this applies to everything about recovery is terrifying, but this is about dating games Sammi, calm down and focus on that before tackling the other aspects of my life.
2. As I said to him, in a series of texts sent post-acceptance of never seeing him again (aka all fucks gone, nothing to lose when you've already lost him) another lesson is that one good date doesn't mean anything. There needs to be a better balance in my head of giving someone a chance while also maintaining my pride/self-respect. THAT is the issue here - it makes me so mad that every time I'm upset over a guy I know deep down I'm just suffering from a bruised ego but I lash out anyways.
3. Real heartbreak? I've only experienced that when I left Jax - yes, my dog, not the ex boyfriend- and that pain is a different type of torture. It's a never-ending ache whereas I know this is literally a quick stab. It doesn't feel like that right now, but now the evidence is quite literally right in front of me thanks to these entries. Remember last post tagged dating games? Yeah, that's right, be embarrased - how glad are you that you didn't do anything more than just write that? The MOST glad, because the result is a continued friendship/business partnership. I won't torture myself by re-reading it, but I do recall being pissed about wanting what I can't have with someone totally different in mind... and guess what? He's completely irrelevant now. Same for the others I think I listed last time - in fact, I just was looking at Mr. Tall's insta almost.. fondly? Idk, but once I remembered I was checking it from my alter-ego (jk, MFBS insta) due to the fact I got myself blocked on my real insta I came back to reality. My point? Let's hope I never ever experience heartbreak via a break-up with a male human instead of a dog. Oh, and that this was still just a case of wanting what I can't have: the more he pulled away the more I latched on, anytime he gave a little my attitude came right back. Sigh. I swear universe I am trying to learn from experience, but in the heat of the moment logic seems to disappear. Tattoo it on my hand? Maybe...
4. INSECURITY - MGK just sang about it (yes, I have tickets to my downfall on, because another life lesson listed somewhere is that music always makes things better, and I'm just fine with being addicted to an album) and I realized that as much as I loathe to admit it, that's what's at the root of my overreaction to J's willingness to wait until Monday to even talk about the argument last night. The fact he didn't even read "Fuck Yes or No" despite being a fast reader and me literally sending it to him really says everything I need to know about the fact he's clearly not saying "Fuck Yes!" to seeing what happens with us even when that is what he verbally said. What's making me feel this way? Not him, but me, always - guess I have to figure out those insecurities and work through them (later...)
5. TALK IS CHEAP. I said that to him a time or 12 because it's true! Did I overreact? Absolutely. Was I wrong about most things? No. Does being right make me feel any better? No. Why? I'm still alone (ouch, that hurt to type). Alright, so that's the issue - I'm insecure about being single at 30. I fucking hate being a cliche, but honesty is the only way I'm fixing my fucked up brain.
6. There has to be a middle ground between being a human doormat and taking a hit out on someone via instagram comments (it was a JOKE! not a well received one, and admittedly not a sane reaction to whatever he said that hurt my feelings...) so I just have to find that. At least I wasn't a doormat - as I also told him. Oops. Whatever, I made it here eventually right? Right.
7. GET HERE SOONER. Yeah, that's right - this is my future bestseller and it needs to be written. My life is a mess and needs me to panic less to other people. Conclusion: PANIC HERE. It's literally what I'm paying for the software for - having a place to be authentic/vulnerable/all the awful things I don't want to be but need to if I ever want to feel... human? whole? self-realized? whatever, that.
8. No one is thinking about anything other than themselves.
9. As my best manager ever once warned me: my form of sarcastic/dry humor only translates well IN PERSON, particularly when talking to people I don't know well. Why? Because if the person can't picture the way I would be saying it in person (smiling/laughing) then it sounds incredibly harsh (or "nasty" and "threatening" apparently).
10. I'm not drinking, but the rest of the world still is. Not sure what to do with this lesson, but I'm pretty sure the fact he's been drunk for our conversations (despite the fact I acted like the drunken insane one) has to have played a part in the massive crash course they turned into.

Alright, what else is bothering me?

Just that it still hurts and it shouldn't. It was one date, we didn't so much as fucking even KISS (as I completely turned on him in a very rude move in which I decided to tell him he was gay so it all made sense... the smirk on my face says I don't regret that as much as a should), so why am I hurting? Why don't I get dressed and either go meet Joey out or even just take Denver to the park? Well, maybe I will. But first, no running away from your feelings! What's the matter? Rejection will always suck - the answer to that is not to never get rejected, it's to learn how accept it and move on. Preferably without wasting an entire day upset and gaining more credibility towards insanity with the person doing the hurting, but the important thing here is that teaches me something important about myself! WOO! An unexpected win, but let's see, how to word this feeling of what I want for the future... hm. Not a husband, I think I've made that pretty clear, but clearly I want someone. Why have I always been so afraid to admit that? Ah, because I confused wanting with needing: huge difference. Okay cool, I want someone, but why am I upset about one fish in this big old sea? Yes, "starting over" sucks, but get real kiddo - you hadn't gotten far from the start, it's literally not even been a week since date 1. Moreso, I can't just use the happiness of the thought of someone being there to float along - as I said to Joey the other night:

it's definitely a bad sign that I'm not mad he bailed tonight (Wednesday), because it means I'm enjoying the idea of not having to work on finding anyone else in the meantime.

... if only I had heeded my own warning - well no, then I wouldn't be on the way to this realization/goal/something in my head.

Do better than that

Lecturing myself seems to be the only way to gain any sense or perspective, so I'm going with it. Alright, better define that last sentence above, what am I realizing...

1. I dread the idea of forcing myself to 'start over' dating (why the hell do I sometimes enjoy it? oh, because that's when it's on my terms, not because I feel like I need to have someone else - WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO HAVE SOMEONE!? DIDN'T I JUST SPECIFY THE WORD WANT!?
2. Alrighty looks like I'm on to something here! Clearly I've been in denial about what I want in terms of love in my life - but stop being ashamed of wanting love. Everyone wants some romance, and just because I consider myself a jaded miserable fuck doesn't mean I'm immune to that. In fact, it means I'm finally listening to my therapist's advice and being vulnerable brene brown style!
3. Closer... so now, little inner idiot of my brain, what is it that you'd like from love in life? Hah I love that my instinctual response is "DENVER!" - I will always have at least one dog (hopefully many more soon - add that to my life goals list). Right, but let's focus on humans:
4. I want to be in love. Heyy that was easy! No problem kiddo, everyone wants that - get in line. Yes, you're scared because of the damn stigma in YOUR OWN head about being single at 30* but that doesn't mean I need to latch on to any guy that I get along with decently. dear god, that's at the heart of my hatred of marriage! the idea that it sets people up to settle for less than true love!
5. Stop being mad at yourself - that's fine, I'm working through this in my head until my heart stops bleeding - it doesn't have to make sense, no one is reading it (reminder: I need to keep the insta better hidden, luckily julia let me know to change the main pic).
6. Okay so I know what I want: love. How is this helpful? Well, I can stop saying I want to be single for life - I think what I mean is that I want to be independent for life. That is absolutely still true, I'll never let anyone else pay my way in life (remind me of this if anyone offers - joke!).
7. I just added lesson number 9 and it brings me to a more useful question: is this a case of my people-pleasing syndrome rearing its ugly head? I am learning to be the type of person that doesn't care what other people think (why is that so much easier said than done?) but almost 30 years of trying to ensure everyone I encounter likes me there's a lot of reprogramming that needs to happen. It must be hurting a little just that someone thinks I'm "nasty, threatening, hostile" etc. Alright, fair enough, that hurt. Cool, now are you over it? Good.

*ahh that reminds me!! I confirmed what Shane had been trying to say (I'll find the relevant old post and link back) and go figure, it wasn't what I thought. In fact, I don't even think he was lying because I could tell he picked up on what I was alluding to and he's not the type to placate or sugarcoat for the sake of feelings. He said that if anything he likely had been saying he was surprised I made enough money to be a full blown non-functioning addict and yet wasn't. Something along those lines, but the point for this post? STOP ASSUMING I KNOW WHAT OTHERS ARE THINKING! Basic psych 101, I'm just projecting my own insecurities by thinking I know what others are thinking about me. I need to add what would be the last sentence here as a life lesson above.

So now what?

A lot to digest here... I think the most important takeaway is the exact same thing I said in my last post: it's okay to be hurt or sad, just remember it won't last forever. Was it absolutely impossible for me to wait until Monday to hear him out/try again? Of course not, but between my impatience, the "law of fuck yes or no" in my head, my lack of clarity over how to have self-respect, and god knows what else, clearly I was right in saying that either he make it here tonight or see ya never. So why did I just feel a pang of regret saying that? Do I actually think I fucked up things with someone I could be in love with? 99% of me says no... and the other 1% is just going to have to be persuaded that if I did fuck up, it's not on me to try and rectify the situation. That sounds weird because I'm admitting it's my fault and seemingly not taking responsibility, but it's more that after the litany of texts I left him I would have to be missing a brain completely to think anything I say to him will change the course we're on.

Convince yourself you didn't fuck up your one chance at love

Luckily, it appears that the simple act of typing that convinced me. Just to nail the point home, keep these things in mind: my wounded ego (aka the only version of a 'broken heart' I can really truly claim to have felt inflicted by another human) will always bounce back. Did Mr. Tall do a number on my self-confidence? Yes, but has that limited my choices of available men to fall in love with? No. Ditto for Mr. Married. Let's be real, in both of those cases I had had far more time to fall for either of them, and yet here I am: fully over them and sad over someone I met a week ago.

Nice, so maybe it's time I listen to Joey?

That sounds like the beginning of making a series of terrible decisions, but no, this time he's right no matter how annoyed I was when I first saw his response to my text about being mad for having feelings - I do need to go out and adventure more. I've used recovery and COVID as an excuse for long enough now that if I wait until I'm "recovered" I'll die in this bedroom. My mind just flashed to desperate women waiting around bars for slimy men - no. That's not what it means to go out more Sammi, yes you found out that you can finally admit wanting to be in love... that does NOT mean I'm suddenly making it my sole life mission. If anything, I think acknowledging it is helping me realize how much energy I've wasted trying to act like I'm an ice queen with no feelings. Sure it's a great brand image, but I'm not an image, I'm a human. I have feelings, and they get hurt sometimes - the winning lesson here is that it's okay. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all that - hahh that reminds me, I almost referenced 'true cliches' to J when saying "talk is cheap" ... not that he would have even noticed most likely. Sigh. Chin up kiddo, just think, next entry I'll be crying over someone new and he'll be forgotten! wait, what?

Mr. Right may not exist, but I'll have fun with all the Mr. Wrongs while looking. - FALSE, SEE BELOW.

3/14/2021: 24 HOURS LATER

My jaw dropped reading that last original sentence until I remembered that was written right before I re-read the messages on the way to the park with Denver, but I still had to add that caveat.

...and damn it's been a spiral ever since I re-read them, then deleted them, panicked more about how horrific I was, called and left him a voicemail, updated this, panicked more, tried 101 ways of apologizing, slept a bit, kept calm today up until realizing that my number had been blocked since I left the voicemail so it was possible he hadn't seen any of my apologies. I had venmo'd before that, I guess buying off my guilt has had appeal all day... sigh. I wish I could say I'm sorry enough times to erase it all from BOTH of our minds. But I can't, so hopefully he doesn't take to heart any of my insults (psht) and focuses on the truth of my last apology: the level of insanity he provoked from me in only 1 date means I really fucking liked him and therefore he's awesome, not any of the rude things I said to try and make myself feel better or get him to respond.

Back to being a monk, I've had enough fun with Mr. Wrong's to last me 20 consecutive lifetimes: all I want to do is never again feel this horrible about how I treated a good guy. I don't care if he was Mr. Right or not - well, clearly not, unless I find some sort of memory eraser - because what hurts worse than fucking up my chances is knowing how vile I was when lashing out. Guilt, enemy #1.

Dear universe, please let J know I'm sorry and mean it? Jillybean, you'll be a pretty messenger ;) tell him that Denver and I had the best first date with him, and I deeply regret allowing a bruised ego to take over my sanity to self-sabotage any chance at date 2.
ugh sammi that's literally the last tear allowed. enough. xx <3