Outrunning the ADD
I'm really loving the simple combo of snipping tool and 3D paint stickers for these images. Oh and I am holding myself accountable for building a morning routine. Starts tomorrow.
THAT is why I wrote "Livestreams," because I couldn't figure out how to get my thoughts out quickly enough before jumping onto something new based on a weird connection in my head. for example, I started this just now thinking about how I wanted to show a screenshot of the question I asked in meditation class - not because it's a good one, but because writing it felt like writing an entry here - probably not great for a question that the whole class can see, but it's all about honesty and authenticity to get a grip on this sobriety thing so hopefully she doesn't mind. THOUGHTS LIKE THAT, it's when I start using parenthesis and dashes that I get myself off on tangents, lesson learned! Anywayyyys...
As I was saying, the act of moving from my bed to my computer (2 feet) and opening a browser to pull up a blank entry page that just says "Title" managed to distract me - so when I write, I feel like I'm trying to get it all out before my thoughts can bounce to another topic leaving my writing trying to catch up without having the explanations of why I connected 2 vastly different trains of thought. If I re-read what I wrote or if I wasn't pretending this was only to be read by my future self (I'm thinking of starting each post with that, fuck I forgot this time - again with the ADD!) then I'd have written absolutely nothing except maybe unpublished drafts. Can't over-think some things, and since this is helping me think through the mayhem in my mind I'll keep writing to my future self in hopes that she has managed to find a way to conquer the mayhem.
Recovery feels like a crash course in 'learning how to live with anxiety and depression as a fully functioning adult with a corporate job all at once - 8 years worth of days where I felt none of it because I was high. I worry that the life I worked so hard to build (hell, I used working as my excuse to get high because I was able to work endlessly - I have no idea how to focus on work for that long without it) won't exist without being high... and I spent all those years believing I was getting high to be a better/happier/fun person. So if the drugs weren't making life better, I'm going to literally change my entire reality... I guess that's not the worst thing? Minus the fact my anxiety has me in such a chokehold most of the time that I can't even fathom working any job (currently enjoying 2 weeks of PTO and considering using my short term disability insurance even though it's only 60% pay - I NEVER thought I'd consider that, and yet right now I'm wondering why I think I'll want to go back to work and haven't done that). I don't know how I was managing to work sober in my "pink cloud phase" after finishing with the month of day sessions and switching to evening ones while picking work back up. The difference between how I felt in the summer/fall vs. now is absurd, and it terrifies me because I can't understand why - and if I can't understand why, I can't fix it.
I think I'm finding that the answer is just badgering yourself until you get to some sort of painfully obvious conclusion, confront it with logic and move on. That's why I write - the overflow in my head is way too much, and based on scrolling through some older posts on the instagram for MFBS I realized that I'm incredibly repetitive. I've thought I'm over the depression so many times - I need to accept that it isn't something that I may ever be able to prevent, so I have to figure out ways to be okay with that. That sounds so simple in theory... but in practice, how does one ever accept that they'll be miserable for no reason!? Why would I be okay with that? Aaaaand painfully obvious conclusion that fits into one of many cliches: can't be happy if you're never sad. Alright fine. But the debilitating part of it - how can I make myself care enough about life to get out of bed when I'm depressed? I've tried listing all the things I'm grateful for, I've yelled at the stars that I love my life and all the reasons why it's perfect (it really is, I don't know why the hell my brain is so set on being miserable and anxious)... hey future self? hope you have this figured out... that would mean you're reading this, which would be a start!! I haven't had the heart to re-read any other than the 1 I updated this week with each day for ADVENTURE. All part of making sure I don't stop writing. Why? BECAUSE IT'S HELPING ME LIVE LIFE WITHOUT THE ASSISTANCE OF OPIATES!! Dear god, you'd think I'd know that by now but I STILL thought "wait why should I keep writing?" for a second.
WHAT AM I DOING!? CAN'T DELETE, ADDING HEADING:
I used to wonder about the quotes saying "if you can't be anything else, that's when you become a writer" or something about writing being born from the deepest darkest painful places in our psyche... basically, I finally think I understand. I'm writing because I need a way to process all the thoughts banging around in my head, and instead of journaling I want it to finally go towards the bestseller I've said I want to write (as a joke usually) for so many years. Still salty dad threw away my journal of life lessons... that was an amazing one that I had from middle school through college, I'd find it every once in awhile and update it/go through old ones laughing at how silly I was with my 'little kid problems'. Thanks to all the "realizations ending in cliches" + the amount of times I KNOW I repeat myself, because I say things I want to believe well before they truly have resonated with my full consciousness, I'm hoping someday I'll re-read these and think similarly - "ah silly past Sammi just so didn't get it" without cringing. Testing my meditation class advice... 1. identify the Fear 2. ask why until you're satisfied.
FEAR: being embarrassed by what I have written being seen by anyone besides me. Why? because I'm pouring my heart out and not editing it! Why? because it helps me with recovery. Why? Ahh yes, AS I JUST SAID in the paragraph above: it's helping me conquer the evil mental illnesses without the burden of a $200/week addiction. The key response to why make it as a blog: the slight chance it may help a random stranger to read from someone having the same thoughts as them during recovery. I instinctively huffed in annoyance in response to each "why" even though I was asking myself - I'm taking that as a sign the identify/why method works. That and the fact that I also plan to start making this more public after I finally tell my mom. At this point it the rehab/drug use almost doesn't feel relevant - why bother telling them when it's in the past? "because if you don't let them in to your authentic true honest self your relationship with them will suffer." ...thank you, therapist on the panel of judges in my head. THAT was a great memoir/article about a girl quitting adderall. It is not lost on me that I realize I am essentially aiming to do the same thing I just praised someone else for doing. But is it a memoir if I'm living it? It will be if I start to go into detail about the past - the content is in so many places, I just have to collect my journals/random folders on both laptops and google accounts/pictures on my phone/notes on my phone and post it. I've been writing for this for years, that's why the title is perfect. Alright, at least I know what I'm doing.
ROUTINE
Ah, the 2nd thing I wanted to add here - need to hold myself accountable for this because while it sounds super simple it's a huge change in what I do after waking up. Sticking to a morning routine that starts with no phone (my kindle's on there!) and getting out of bed immediately. I love lounging under the covers for as long as possible. Anyyyways, This is the post I saw that inspired it (side note: the woman that runs this instagram account is a spirituality coach - I need one of those! Have to include evidence because it's the first thing I saw while trying to find that post:
Umm hello, how perfect! I've been saying I need to incorporate a routine into ADVENTURE but I had the R as reflect/was too scared to imagine not waking up and just hitting my juul "letting my meds kick in" (it makes me happy to pretend it's still like the old days when I'd get high before work even though now I just take meds as prescribed...&addy...sh)... but that was a past Sammi habit. No longer do I need to "enjoy the moment of meds kicking in" - I can just start my day! The best part? I won't have to waste time making decisions about what to do.
...I can't believe how obvious this all sounds, it's like life skills 101 and I'm acting as if it's the holy grail. but I don't care, I'll take what I can get dear universe! That's honestly a perfect routine for my morning, just replace "tidy and prep yoga room" to "tidy and prep bedroom/office area" then I'm ready to go! And if I'm not working? Sit at my computer anyways. There's no work I would be doing that won't start with a computer, so might as well start there.
Alright, fuck yeah I think I'm making progress! Have I said this before? Most likely, but fuck it, repetition is the only way to achieve memorization... and apparently my subconscious requires so much reprogramming that the more reps the better. HOWEVER, I will keep writing in hopes of shortening the time it takes to battle through the trenches and slowly get into a life that feels like mine - it doesn't have to be my old life or current life, but I do have to decide or else I'll wake up in 20 years still writing the same questions and getting the same answers. And let me tell ya: FUCK THAT. :)
xoxo,
See you when you figure your shit out, future self!
TESTING EMBEDDING INSTAGRAM CODE
pasted embed code:
My options in the editor:
I wonder if I have to type /image then the URL, or just paste it.. let's see what it asks for when I click it, I forget:
Alrighty, it opened this as soon as I clicked "Image":
Maybe I need to save it... but then why would instagram have the option that says embed instead of just save? ugh I'm tempted to read the instructions, but not yet. Here's the rest of the options along with that screenshot above:
Well that's what happens when you paste the embed code into "HTML" ... omgggg it worked!!!!!!! There was 1 trail other than this below, but fuck those failures this will be my new guide. I'll even leave the other attempts (I tried 'other' first, for good reason!) for reference/to see if the other ways work.
Wtf, can't just throw the word embed out without explaining which url - the page? or is the embed code they gave me.. ohhh. that was code written in HTML. but still, why use the word embed here!? fucking techy people.
I'll paste the page URL there... without /embed [url] because that's pre-written?? or do I have to write it? and what would the use of the instagram code if I just need the URL? I guess that explains why I got a failure when I put the page URL directly, with and without /embed i think. What's annoying me is I also thought Markdown was to be able to directly use coding languages... I thought HTML but could be wrong, let's see:
OMG FORMATTING OPTIONS!!!!!!! THERE IS A GOD, THANK YOU GHOST PRO!!!!!
HAHAHAHA YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO MEMORIZE THE CODE, I JUST CLICKED B
I wonder if you can change the font.. but I don't feel like exploring formatting quite yet or else I'll get too off track. I'm not focused on pretty, I'm focused on, as the post I'm trying to embed calls it: brain dump! Getting everything out and understood. Shining a light on my vulnerabilities and fears. Sigh. Anything to stay sober sammi, anything to stay sober.
Wow, sometimes I love being wrong. What about if I did paste the code in? it's so long and messy, let's keep all those attempts centralized... I'm not using a markdown box, but I will use the headers.
pasted embed quote in markdown WITHOUT /embed first:
oh dayyyuuumm that works too! let's see how they both look when published.
pasted embed quote HTML from insta, if this is showing the code /embed <block... etc. etc., it didn't work.
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