End the Stigma for all Parents
I need to figure out how to tell my parents that I was addicted to painkillers (+ all other abusable pharmaceuticals) for 8 years, but they don't need to worry because I'm finally free from the tunnel vision that kept me always falling back to bad habits. Talk is cheap, that's what I keep thinking because anytime an addict says they're done with drugs most people assume that it's only temporary - rightfully so, because addiction is a sneaky beast. I don't know how to convey the fact that my entire soul is changed thanks to taking 2 months off from my day job to work on myself and my recovery through Woburn Wellness by doing a month of full day sessions in an "intensive outpatient program" (IOP) and additional month doing evening IOP sessions.
Let me be clear here, my parents are the absolute best. In fact, recovery has given me the time to reflect on just how awesome they are to the point where I posted a very uncharacteristically sappy Facebook post thanking them for being amazing and admitting that they were always right. I had a blessed childhood - I cannot think of anything I would change even if I was given the offer. My siblings and I truly wanted for nothing, because my parents ALWAYS put us first without fail. There certainly was no trauma, I have no mommy or daddy issues, and to be honest my parents are so great that I spent years of therapy trying to untangle why I became addicted to chemical happiness. For years I felt like such a failure to my family that it physically hurt to be around them - so naturally I numbed the guilt away with more drugs. I have only recently been able to realize that it was my underlying guilt that made me so on edge with my parents, and I cannot wait to apologize to them when I figure out how to tell them about the 'little addiction thing' so to speak.
Luckily I'm great at finding silver linings, because I realized this nagging question that's been dragging at me for weeks can be utilized here! What better way to come up with the perfect words than by writing out all the potential ways to explain based on exactly what's in my head: a free flow of thoughts, the only limitation being the rate of my thought/typing speed. Let's see how this goes...
READY, SET, FREE-FLOW-GO!
Hey dad, remember when you found the journal that I (am still slightly mad) you threw away and asked me about some of the writing you saw because it referenced drugs or addiction in some way? I know I told you at the time that I was fine, and I was not lying to you, because I have always been handling it myself - not because I didn't trust that I could go to you and mom for help, it's just that I have always known that it was a problem so deeply rooted in my soul that only I could fix it. To be honest, it took years of slowly alienating myself from most of the world (except Mikey - thanks for giving me the best brother every) before I was ready to do what needed to be done: start a recovery program. I'm not an alcoholic, and I know that what I'm trying to explain is going to seem like it doesn't make sense, but that's okay because honestly addiction isn't something anyone accurately understands today - well, maybe some researchers out there, but based on all the conflicting information available from some of the best research institutions available I think it's safe to say there's a lot left to be discovered in terms of the human brain and addiction. I stopped drinking while I was doing the program because I wanted my brain to be as clear as possible while my damaged neural pathways started healing - the healing happens starting at the 90 day mark and continues for at least a year, which is why my personal count to 100 days was so important to me. What I'm trying to say is that once my brain started healing, I started to see the world so much more clearly. I don't have a problem with alcohol, in fact I don't even really like it. I've had a few drinks over the past couple months when out with friends, and there's absolutely nothing about drinking that makes me think "oh I should totally jump back into being addicted to painkillers." I got high to be what I thought was 'more productive' as opposed to trying to obliterate myself from reality, and I think that's why alcohol doesn't hold any sort of similar appeal. Let me put it this way, I used to think that I could do my BEST work while on painkillers- and unfortunately I actually did do a lot of great work on them, which is what allowed me to perpetuate the belief that I was just 'self medicating' so that I could be some sort of super-human version of myself... and eventually it was just to be human. The fact that NO ONE ever suspected I was using is something I hope will help eliminate any potential for feeling as if there was anything you could have done to help - if anything, I was praised more at work when I was high as opposed to being looked at as an addict. [[alright, this wouldn't be said to my parents but I'm keeping it here: I actually just laughed out loud thinking about how surprised my beloved boss and co-workers would be if they knew, because people at work think I'm an innocent nerd (HAH - nerd sure, but innocent? not so much).]] I never ever wanted to burden anyone else with MY problem - I got myself into it, and I knew that until I decided to make the hard choice of getting help to live life without the chemical enhancements that I would be living in the hell of my own making. There is nothing that you or mom could have done to change the path I decided to take, so all I ask of you both is to never ever even wonder if you should have done anything differently.
...alright, I guess that's not so bad? but how do I ensure that my biggest fear doesn't happen?
THE BIG FEAR
My fear is one that so many people suffering with addiction have to deal with in their relationships thanks to the stupid stigma, and it breaks my heart. When people hear the word "addict," they subconsciously strip an individual of every other beautiful trait they possess by letting the shadow of the stigmatized version of addiction color their view of their loved one suffering. So many times, friends that had gone to rehab or had been 'caught' by their parents would tell me that while they appreciated the love and support they were receiving, they also felt suffocated by the underlying assumption that they're one breath from falling back into active addiction. I'm in no way blaming parents for this reaction - it's truly a subconscious act caused by the way society paints the picture of addiction (yep, the damn stigma), but the problem with this is that so many times I have heard how this type of support ended up placing more pressure on the person in recovery. In a horrible case of irony, the vast majority of these friends ended up falling back into drugs largely because they could no longer handle being unable to truly express their feelings to their loved ones without worrying that if they said the wrong thing it would cause pain or worry for the people trying to help them. This quote has haunted my nightmares since 2014:
"My family has been so amazingly supported, and I love them so much - I don't want to sound ungrateful at all, but trying to continually prove to them that I'm okay and happy is getting exhausting. The elephant in the room never goes away once it's out: I can never be sad without them thinking that I'm going to use again. I have no idea how to have a relationship with my family without feeling like they are always wondering if I'm being honest or not. Honestly, this is fucked up but it makes me want to use again so that at least their suspicions will be there for a reason - and so I can be free of the guilt for even just a few hours."
I heard similar versions from both of my friends that have since passed from heroin overdoses. It breaks my heart every time I think about it, so time to get back to how to tell my parents with the knowledge that the above quote is the outcome I refuse to allow to happen.
The reason I'm finally 'going public' with my addiction is because I know I'll never touch an opiate again. Are there statistics out there that would argue I can't make that statement honestly? Of course, but I don't give a fuck about them because I finally know myself well enough to understand that I have changed so significantly that I'm not the addict I was 6 months ago. Is addiction curable? Most argue no, and honestly I'm not sure I even care - all I care about is never being held hostage by chemicals again, whether it means I'm 'recovered' or not. And I'm going to make sure to hold true to that promise, because I made it to myself. Telling more and more of my friends and family over time is just extra insurance - more reasons to ensure I never fall back into that cycle of hell. Now I just have to find a way to explain that to my parents despite the fact that (through no fault of their own) their perception of a person with addiction is exactly what society has told them it should be: someone who will never be able to survive without constant help and monitoring to keep them away from drugs and alcohol, because otherwise the addict is at risk of falling back to old habits of stealing, lying, cheating - doing whatever it takes to get that high again.
... I AM NOT THAT PERSON. I despise being micro-managed, told what to do, or honestly in general just being overly cared for (awful of me I know, it's probably because my parents have always loved me so much that I resist anyone trying to 'control' me? eh idk, that's one for my therapist hahah). My point is, I need to tell my parents that I was suffering, and while I may just be considered as "in recovery" what that actually means is I am in the process of finding out who I was always meant to be. I'm mainly worried about my mom, because (like me) she has a way of holding herself accountable for everything and everyone, so she will think my struggles are a reflection of something she did wrong. THAT COULD NOT BE LESS TRUE.
Damn, writing that just drained me. Note to self: pick a funny story next, or else I'm in severe danger of burning out before finishing this.