post from phone notes 8.24-25

Copying and pasting this entry I wrote in my notes the other night while walking Maige - I really need to figure out how to work the app.

Side note (as my email to myself loads) I really need to learn how to make organization rules in gmail. What kind of software engineer-wannabe doesn't even know how to do that!?

last night i was so motivated to start setting up a real routine/schedule for my days: I even started setting the reminders on my phone for things i lwant to do daily. then tonight I realize it’s days like these where I can’t be bothered to check off that I did something (or even do one - meditating, luckily i still have a couple hours). WHY!? there should really be no difference between last night and tonight. my current life situation is pretty damn awesome:

• I got laid off from my job (the irony - i finally get sober after a decade and then lose my first job… but it wasn’t performance based, it was a RIF, so fuck it!) but paid through Oct 19 + severance and unused PTO payouts. So basically I’m financially set to finally use time off wisely to pick my next steps in life.
• my dog is the best
• the guy i’m dating is awesome
• my true friends are always a phone call away and I’ll get to see them in a few weeks! plus time off work means more visiting.
• my family situation is probably the best it’s been in years

…so why do I fall into these depressive states and de-rail any progress made as soon as I try? I’ll be out of vyvanse soon and don’t have a new psychologist yet, but I took it only as prescribed (no extras) for the past few days, have been taking the daily meds… what gives???

Will I go home from this current walk with maige and lay back in bed and sleep, or make a coffee and copy this into a new blog post? (using notes on my phone) or meditate? try more soul work to help decide my future goals/next steps?

…TBD