1.31.21 - Progress?

I'm not sure if the past 3 days are something that happens often (a bad week followed by a few good days) or if I'm finally coming out of this 3 month long depression that's been tearing my soul into pieces. For now, I need to just believe that I'm making progress - taking strides in my recovery, even though I have no idea what happened between Wednesday and Thursday to cause this sudden respite from hell.

What have I learned? It feels important somehow to document the 'key findings' of this social experiment I call a life at times when I'm not drowning in misery.

Let's see...

1. Ride the wave - UGH of course, my brain instantly came up with a reference from Woburn Wellness – and my therapist.. and boss.. I just made the connection between the shared lesson I received from them both in different ways and that saying from my rehab days. Interesting, well then once again, cliches (or anything repeated enough times) are true so that's what I need to do. Granted while in the throes of misery there's no comfort to be found from thinking that I'm just riding a wave, I'm hoping that by continuing to consciously acknowledge it when I can then somehow I'll subconsciously benefit even when the bad brain chemicals take over.
2. I didn't choose this, and I'd be stupid not to try and fix myself. I've been plagued with self-doubt lately because of underlying resentment against mental illnesses and addiction. This didn't become clear to me until today thanks to a conversation with Amanda, and I'm only realizing the full importance while I type it... but it's such a common simple statement that I've been subconsciously refuting. Going back to 'it's all about perception', I realized the fact that they don't have ADD tests or give adderall prescriptions in Berlin (based on 1 source from over a year ago, unwilling to do any research into it right now because the truth is irrelevant - I believed it) doesn't mean that there's doubt to whether mental health is a valid field of medicine in which the US is pretty far ahead in comparison to other countries. Yes, that's likely because of the booming commercial pharmaceutical companies... but hey, I'll reap the benefits of evil if it means living a better life.
3. I'm not alone - so many of my friends suffer from mental illnesses, and all of them are plagued by some of the existential crises that fuel my vicious cycle of anxiety/depression. This is why I want to end the stigma, so that everyone realizes they're not alone.
4. New on 2/5 after great therapy session: Progress <> perfection, Progress = taking steps to follow through on what I know may not provide instant gratification, but will help in the long run (i.e. neuro eval, planning, etc.)