regression?
Depressing thought as the title, but it's the first that came to mind as I sit myself in my yoga swing with my laptop to write this - getting my laptop felt like rescuing a hostage, so I should probably make my home 'office' more enjoyable... somehow. Right, the main thought that got me here: what am I doing with my life?
Asked & Answered (Probably)
I'm sure I have a post or 12 asking this question, but I'm hoping that needing to 'livestream' my thoughts via typing isn't a regression from my video idea. The difference is - I realize now - that one requires me to do more than just spill my thoughts, whereas the process of writing and posting is one I can do automatically by now. Although, let's see, just adding a video in here wouldn't be that difficult...
I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Same old problem, no new answers.
I'm trying to fit 10 years of emotional/mental development (from while I was doing drugs) into too short of a timespan - or it's taking me too long, I don't know. but I did just film some decent thoughts for my future self, so here they are:
... I had to take a screen shot since I'm not sure how this will show on the front-end, but it's silly little things like this that make me reluctant to work on this website, because I don't know what my true end goal is (other than being an outlet for my thoughts for my own recovery) and forcing myself to think about that gives me a low-grade yet never ending panic attack. Why? I don't know - why do I have anxiety/depression? I don't know. But at least I'm working on it/trying to... As I've said to my former bff/colleague: "please write 'at least she tried' on my gravestone." It's just too fitting.
I guess I'll cut the video up and upload it in segments... or upgrade my plan. I feel like I'm already paying a lot for GhostPro compared to other website hosting companies (is that what they're even called? I have so much to learn - so I guess I'm also just generally procrastinating when it comes to MFBS) so there's definitely a smarter/better way to go about uploading videos... I'll just have to figure that out before posting it here.
Still swimming,
xxS