session 1

WOW. I started writing this then realized I can type faster than I can write, so here it goes. I thought for sure I'd be counting down the minutes until my first hour and a half session was over. From 8am until we started at 9am I was kicking myself for scheduling it so early, noting to myself that I needed to make it later next time & set it for 2 weeks out instead - NOPE. By the time we ended (20 minutes late, much to my surprise/shock), I had not only decided that I wanted another 9AM session but that I'd pay whatever the cost to do it again next week at the same time. It's true what they say: can't put a dollar sign on peace of mind (what song is that!? I'll look it up... HAH 'chicken fried' by Zac Brown Band ... didn't see that coming, a country lyric quote!? WHO AM I? A better version of me, that's who. The actual lyrics are:

Well it's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most
Not where you live or what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on a peace of mind this I've come to know

I've always loved that quote, but didn't truly feel it until today. That session was priceless. I need to try and take notes that can hopefully be used in an article for the NY Times to spread awareness of The Jillian Foundation and ketamine based therapy, but for now I'm just going to type the thoughts as they come.

sOoOo sPiRiTuAl

That's how Jillybean would have typed it back in the day (I SO regret deleting my facebook and losing so many of our old messages </3) and I have to give credit where it's due, because anytime I wasn't sure how to accurately follow the doc's guided meditation, I pictured Jillian helping me or I just mentally asked her for help. While sitting with my 4 year old self in my head on my favorite spot in the world: sunset cliffs, a bit off the beaten track so it feels like there's no one around for miles - just wind, ocean, and rocky cliffs, I struggled at first. Picturing sitting there was simple enough since it's been my 'happy place' during any meditation that suggests mentally placing yourself there, but I struggled with figuring out how to help 4 year old me let go of the negative feelings. Picturing Jilly there made all the difference. I love and miss you so much jillybean, but I also know now more than ever that you're only gone physically: spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, you're with me now more than ever.

Back it up...

I should back up and explain how I ended up picturing myself sitting in my happy place with my 4 year old self. I wasn't sure what to expect when she said "we'll practice IFS now" - I thought just talking to her was practicing it. NOPE. So much better. I probably would have thought this was silly/impossible/useless a few years ago, but right now I am beyond grateful for the practice we just did. She had me think back to a time when I felt ... I forget, just a negative emotion? Basically, an early memory. I instantly remembered being 4(ish) years old and being alone with sissy while she was still working on potty training, and when she asked me to take her to the bathroom I told her to wait so she ended up having an accident. Clear as day I remember not only that entire event, but I remember sitting in the car months afterwards still thinking about it. As a kid I didn't know how to process it without just recognizing it as a regret or "bad feeling." I remember there were 2-3 events that I would tick off in my head when thinking about ... idk, how I had failed? I don't know why or how I thought of it so often after, but I now realize it was the first time I experienced guilt, shame, and regret so strongly. In my mind, I had been trusted to help my sister and let both her and my mom down - they NEVER said that to me and likely don't even remember the event. What Dr. Prudy helped me identify was a lot of things:

• How I felt: like I had let my parents and sister down, guilty, shameful, disappointed in myself, and it was (I think) my earliest 'regret.' I don't know how much older I was when I finally stopped thinking about it/realized there were plenty of other actions of mine that made me feel far worse, but that memory persisted for a long time. It was almost like by listing out the 'failed' events in my head, I was trying to 'fix' them because I knew they made me feel bad.
• Why did I feel this way? That was tough at first: I know I didn't get yelled at or reprimanded for not helping her right away. At first I really was baffled, as I usually am when thinking about my past/why I'm a perfectionist/people pleaser/etc., but with the doc's help I dug deeper.* (Note: scroll all the way to the bottom for the tangent that was here). I was telling her that the burden of responsibility was one I took on myself - I wanted to feel independent and, most importantly, trusted or reliable. That being said, of course my mom had asked me to help her for the 10 minutes she was out of the room. There's no need to blame her for these feelings, it's just acknowledging that while the majority of the burden of responsibility is one I placed on myself it still stemmed from a normal 'request' from a parent. I was trusted to do something, and in my 4 year old mind, I failed.
• I'm not sure this belongs in this list but it's important: she taught me how to acknowledge that I could eliminate the negative memories/feelings without sacrificing the positive ones. In this meditation, that meant being proud of myself for wanting to be responsible & dependable but without the shame and guilt that went with 'failing.' I truly learned from a past mistake instead of letting those feelings stay with me and weigh me down.
• MOST IMPORTANTLY: how to recognize those feelings from my 4 year old self and let the negative ones go. I was adamant about still being proud of my desire to be independent/responsible, but the doc helped me realize that I could keep/acknowledge the 'good' feelings while letting go of the shame and guilt now that I'm older and wiser. Instead of just laughing at how much responsibility I placed on my little shoulders, she had me picture sitting with my 4 year old self and - this is the key part - listening to & acknowledging her feelings as if I was sitting with an actual 4 year old. That 4 year old just happened to be me.

Alright that's sufficient background.

So, I'm sitting on sunset cliffs with my 4 year old self (mentally - physically I was sitting in bed with my hand on my heart) and after much discussion about the bullets above she said that if 4 year old me felt ready then it was time to let those feelings go. That's where my guardian angel came in. I was confused - she said I could let them go however I wanted: flying away in the wind, throwing them into the ocean, or burning them up. No surprise that I of course wanted to burn them and then let them float away, and THEN take a swim with my 4 year old self. At first, I struggled with the imagery of what to burn - how could I burn a feeling? Then, I asked Jillian for help, because I so badly want this to work: I'm letting go of all my inhibitions, preconceived notions, pride (in some ways - i.e. a week ago I'd feel ridiculous thinking and writing about 'sitting with my 4 year old self' and find a way to be sarcastic or poke fun at it... not today) and just fully trusting the process. Therefore, when I realized I was struggling to follow along with her guided meditation at this point of burning the feelings, I thought 'jillybean help me out here - how does one burn a feeling?' ... the image of her sitting with me & my 4 year old self was clear as day. She legitimately floated to us from above the ocean, sat next to me, and said "you're over thinking it. just write down the bad feelings on these pieces of paper then burn those." I've never felt more spiritually connected to 'the bigger picture' or the universe than in that moment. As the doc said, spirituality is truly just a feeling that there's something bigger than yourself out there. I'm finally not just trying to pray/be spiritual, but actually FEELING it. There's such a difference. I can say "I'm spiritual, I believe the universe has a plan" until I'm blue in the face, but aside from training my thoughts that really means nothing until I consciously TRUST that I'm not alone. Jill helping me figure out how to get rid of those negative feelings from my 4 year old self - without judgement or poking fun at the absurdity of the situation - made me feel connected to myself & the universe in a way that I haven't before.

Freedom

I worked hard to picture the scene without judgement, just an open willingness to trust in the process and put my whole mind and heart into believing what both the doctor was saying and I was visualizing... and it paid off. Earlier in the session she had asked where I could feel my anxiety, and I explained how my shoulders always feel knotted up and tense. After this meditation, I told her truthfully that I felt like I had just gotten a massage: the anxiety was still there, but it was softer. She helped me recognize something I've heard before and tried to do without success: embrace my anxiety and appreciate it for all the work it has been doing all these years to try and keep me 'safe.' It isn't the enemy - it's my friend, or my ally as she said. I just need to work with it to understand what 'bad feeling' it is trying to protect me from and then addressing that feeling/thought/etc. as opposed to thinking of the anxiety itself as the problem and needing to make it go away.

As I said to her, my anxiety finally feels appreciated. Even better, I feel as though I trust it - meaning I'm FINALLY starting to trust myself again. We talked a bit in the beginning about how my indecisiveness/current lack of self-esteem/etc. are related to a disconnect between my mind and spirit. I've been told that time and time again (example: the enneagram personality test), and while I've certainly tried to reconnect the 2 it wasn't until today that I felt as if I made any progress towards that goal. I know from all my self-help reading and just general self-awareness that a ton of my anxiety/depression comes from not trusting myself, and today's session was the first SUCCESSFUL step I've taken towards gaining that trust back. I feel like I'm on cloud 9.

Meditation

How long have I been trying to get myself to meditate regularly? YEARS. I'd have some hot streaks here and there, but I haven't been successful since before Christmas. When the doc told me to promise my 4 year old self I'd check in with her every day, I initially said that it made her (me) fearful because I didn't trust myself to meditate each morning even though in the moment I knew it was exactly what I needed to do. She replied to me that I'll build that trust within myself by following-through and going back to this feeling of freedom sitting on sunset cliffs with myself as a kid. Why WOULDN'T I want to start my day that way!?!? It's almost like feeling high without the drugs - omg which means SUCCESS!!

...yeah, to say I'm feeling happier and more hopeful than I have in years would be an understatement. I've wondered and wondered how to begin trusting myself again and knew that meditation was the key, but I never would have taken the meditation far enough without her guiding me to separate myself from my 4 year old self and really delve into those memories/feelings to understand them without judgement. Every meditation says to observe without judgement, but until today I never was quite successful: whether it was a physical, mental, or emotional observation I could never just observe. There was always an instantaneous follow-up thought of how I could either fix a negative feeling or perpetuate a positive one. A simple example: my legs felt a bit funky from how I was sitting, and my initial thought was "I need to exercise more." I told her this, and she told me to separate the self that was judging/coming up with these 'solutions' from the self that was the 'Observer'. I remember reading a book where the girl talks about a panel of judges in her head: instead, I had a panel of different versions of myself in my head. For the first time I was able to successfully quiet down my judgmental version of myself AND the part that automatically thinks of ways to fix or perpetuate feelings. Being solution oriented isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I can recognize that in that moment it wasn't serving the purpose I needed, which was to just observe. It sounds so obvious now of course, because EVERY guided meditation says 'just sit with these feelings' or 'observe without questioning or changing' ... but there's a HUGE difference between me trying to do that on my own and me doing it with the help of Dr. Prudy. Why? Because I was able to tell her when & why I was struggling. I'm thinking of it as similar to taking a yoga class with a really good instructor who makes slight modifications to my poses that feel SO much better. I suppose this is the same thing, except for meditation. Her suggestions and answers made all the difference.

She didn't say this, but I thought it: breathe out that which no longer serves you to make space for what is needed. I eliminated unnecessary shame, guilt, and a need for perfection in exchange for trust. Trust that I was no longer alone, and trust in the fact that I learned something from that 'negative' experience. When my thoughts tried to scold me for taking so long to get to this point, I instantly countered with the thought/feeling - the knowledge really - that I am exactly where I need to be at exactly the right time. There's no room to critique the experiences that made me the person I am today (or to hate myself - for so long I've been my own worst enemy, and it's like today I realized all I have to do to change that is to embrace every single part of myself and understand what purpose each part is trying to serve) - instead there's room to learn from the experiences. I no longer need to judge myself for trying to be a perfectionist: I can recognize that the need to be dependable/trusted/responsible/etc. has made me who I am, and regardless of how long it has taken me to get to this point all that matters is I'm getting there right when I need to. I finally can trust that, because I feel that connection to the universe: THAT is spirituality, and why I know I'm going to meditate every morning from now on. Maybe that's manifesting too - just getting all the wins!

... if this is how I feel after an hour and a half (well almost 2) hour session, I no longer have ANY doubt that these 5-6 hour treatments will be the light at the end of the tunnel I've cautiously hoped it would be. TRUST. that's what it all comes back to, and today I took another step towards building that trust within myself and with my spiritual connection to everyone and everything around me. That sounds so 'new age' but whatever, I'M FEELIN GOOD, and rather than stress over how to keep feeling good, I'm just going to ride it out. Instead of ditching my anxiety like I thought I had to, I've accepted it as a passenger on this ride of life, and from now on I'm going to do my best to listen to & understand it rather than hate it and try to eliminate it.

*I've always been wary of therapy that delves into childhood, because I lived a charmed life. My parents love me to the moon and back, I knew it, and even when my siblings drove me nuts I still enjoyed their company. Basically, there's no "trauma" in my background. That's bothered me for a long time, because it stops me from understanding why I ever felt the need to turn to drugs. What feelings/memories were so bad that I feel the need to block them out? Turns out, I was thinking about it all wrong.