sex sells feat. #whyamilikethis

climbing from the darkness is so difficult, and knowing that I put myself there (both in action and by subconscious mental self-sabatoge) doesn't help one bit - how fucked is that? I DO IT TO MYSELF. How does one fight their own brain? I'll figure it out eventually. more importantly, once I settle down from the panic/anxiety/depression spiral enough to breathe and write here I remember that at the end of the day I'm just trying to figure out how to live life the best way possible - WITHOUT relying on pills.

it feels like I have to break myself down completely and figure out who I am from square one. why is it that once I can coherently think through these thoughts enough to write them out that they all are just fucking cliches!?!? I know that "cliches exist because they're true" but damn, it's like I have all these "revelations" only to sound like I'm parroting posters from my weird smiley-face obsessed elementary school teacher (reach for the moon and land in the stars! etc.).

I'm quite literally going through exactly what I've been discussing with my therapist for the past 2 years (when I could make myself sit down to actually write to him - not an easy feat for my useless/self destructive brain) and every time it's like "right... so I just have to do exactly what I've been saying I have to do, what a surprise." examples: meditation/yoga – I turned a corner today out of this fucking darkness (not for the first time, but definitely the most significant feeling of improvement and yet I DON'T KNOW WHY.. ugh), and of course today is the first time I could finally make myself meditate: one 5 min on simple habit called "calm the chaos" (so fitting!) and then a 9 min Sam Harris one called something like intro to mindfulness.

The cynic in me says: "no shit, it took you all 10+ days of your 'vacation' (+1 since I didn't go back today because I wanted a little longer to climb out of the darkness without any work pressure - lucky chance that it turned out to be just what I needed!) just to learn that the answer is to meditate!?!?! I'VE KNOWN THIS!!!!"

...but it's not just that I meditated today. ALWAYS so many factors: same as when I can't figure out why I'm miserable, I also can't figure out why I'm not miserable. When pills are removed* from the equation, it's as though everything becomes significant and therefore everything is insignificant... although the 1 potential I keep thinking of is that I need a routine. I don't know why I've despised the thought of having a routine - no that's a lie, I do: it sounds so boring. Why live a life planned out when you could be carefree and chaotic? Well, maybe because being chaotic results in an inability to be carefree... at least right now for me. BUT life is not as black and white as my addicted-brain likes to make it. I think setting some 'wake up routines' wouldn't kill me. There was a time in my life where I wrote down everything I ate (lolllll, when dieting was my biggest problem before pills took over and said "watch this: you can be skinny and hate life more because you sold your soul trying to cheat your way to happy only to realize the high isn't real life") ... so I can handle a morning routine. In fact, I'll state it here so that I have to stick to it (HAH, if anything I'll be less likely to stick to it since my brain apparently loves to break all rules, even my own... yeah, safe to say my neural pathways are going to require A LOT of re-wiring, but at least I'm here for it!)

omg, how do I live in my head? I don't know but 1,2,3 routine starting tomorrow AM for workdays, go!!

some time before 9AM: wake up and first thing is shower. I may have to try alternating the order to see wtf will get me out of bed without an adderall, but I have to think something exists. If not... I'll see what works with only sub first !! stop overthinking Sammi, go) AND THEN...

meditate for 5 minutes
drink a bottle of water: REMEMBER when you were sober for that time after California and drank 2 bottles of the magic water (filled from the bathroom tap in East Boston where I would connect my machine when none of the girls were home) BEFORE going to get on the T for work. yeah, it happened, so stop acting like this is some sort of impossible ask for myself! IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO BE A LITTLE BIT BORING. it might just save me from myself.
I want to be ambitious and put yoga on here, but let's be a little realistic. Not to mention, this doesn't even yet take into account my current #1 focus each morning: DENVER! I've been letting my mornings be dictated by my dog, and I'm not even a little sad about that.
okay so new order of operations: if Denver wakes up when I get up to shower, then take him out first. yeah basically insert taking him out with whenever he wants to... that was easy.
Go on laptop - even if I just read my kindle until my first meeting, GET OUT OF BED!!!!! that's the hardest part, so just get it over with and stop wishing to go back until it's time for bed. Even as I type that and think "so simple" I also think "not fucking happening, bed is the only place the darkness can't completely take over" ... sigh.

Alright well there's that... anyways, my point of writing this was to talk about sex. Yeah, I got a little off-track but the whole typing thing really slows my thoughts down/creates a backlog of them... and yes now I remember, that's why I do this. slow it all down. I've been thinking how the past few weeks (even a bit before I started on my much needed week and a half stay-cation) have felt almost as bad as detoxing, but only mentally not physically. It's been practically impossible to get myself to do anything - ANYTHING! Talk to anyone, complete a task that isn't just cleaning, making candles, or taking Denver to the park (all of which are only on the best of the bad days, because most involve laying in bed reading or sleeping). Thank god for this vacation - I cannot believe I started it off being mad that I was "wasting my PTO" ... no, I spent it exactly how I needed to. The only preferable option would be to have gone back into a program, but I would need more than 10 days for that. I don't want to do evening ones because I feel like work would interfere with my ability to truly scrutinize who the fuck I am/want to be. It took me a few days to even settle into non-work mode and throw away all the guilt associated with not being "productive" (one of the first things my therapist identified was my over-active need to be productive - wish I could say I've done more than be aware of it, but I'm working on the self-correction part finally!) before I could even just appreciate that while I may have been dark and unable to answer any of my 250-300 texts (birthday was a week ago, that contributes heavily, but I had been over 100 even before that...) at least I wasn't back on painkillers. If I don't hold on to that 1 simple goal, I would absolutely be fucked. In the worst of the worst moments it takes me awhile to remember wtf I'm even trying this whole life thing for, then I remember it's a good thing to be alive. A blessing, or so I'm told. Then I realize that I don't want to not be alive because my ONLY requirement for myself is no painkillers. that's it. nothing else matters than staying off those and working off everything else. OH that reminds me, defining the * from up there...

*I'm prescribed 1mg/day suboxone and 150idkthemeasurementtype/day venlafaxine... and still substitute with addy/etizolam, but not the way I did in California. I don't know how to explain the difference except that I don't get the same instant "fix" I did from the pills when I used to take them together - it's like the times when I would eventually want painkillers again super badly (badly enough to wire hundreds of dollars to a random person from Craigslist money via Western Union just for the possibility of getting them in California... that badly. chasing a high? tunnel vision? such understatements. I was consumed with 1 thought/dream/desire/need and it was to snort some pharma-grade opiate bliss. I guess that's why I loved it so much... there I go with the cliche-type realizations again. NO SHIT, I loved the instant satisfaction of being happy/motivated/alive on-demand!)... right, lots of tangents, but the point is it's like I'm in that phase but thanks to the miracle of modern day medicine in America the Suboxone (taken AS PRESCRIBED, or less: surprisingly easy to stick to since I only feel sick if I take more) I can be in that phase without the tunnel vision. A bit odd because processing 8 years of repressed emotions and figuring out what I want/who I am/ what my values are is a bit trickier than anticipated, but that brings me back to the sex!! god, I'm the worst - no wonder I don't want to talk to anyone, I just ramble my thoughts via text to whoever's the unfortunate recipient of days worth of thoughts in a 10 minute window.

The situation I am currently in

FOR THE RECORD: current not taken as prescribed meds include just the 2 usual suspects mentioned somewhere above, BUT with such minimal impact that I'm finally maybe coming to terms with the fact that there's no opiate replacement and I just need to figure out how to live sober. I've realized that not admitting this concern to myself just result in my subconscious holding on to the fear, so I'm going to lay it all out there for myself to see in order to avoid lying to myself. Brene Brown said so, and if it works according to a woman with a PhD then I'm sold. Actually, no, because it HAS been working for me! nice. okay, enough.

Sunday: wrote "bc? missed Fri/Sat" on my new whiteboard (will add pic) to the left in my new WFH setup that hopefully will change my life for the better. DEFINITION: I was debating whether or not to just stop taking my pill since the chances of me answering my texts for a long enough span of time to invite someone over (never mind doing anything that requires more effort to have sex with someone) seemed like literally 0%. HOWEVER, there was a question mark because I'm really trying to learn from my past mistakes (the life lessons journal!! aka my journal I started that my dad threw out... no time for this story, tangent for another time) and the past says that the moment I decide to stop taking my birth control will be shortly followed by a new sexual encounter.

In my defense, I literally don't see or talk to anyone that doesn't live with me (mikey and joey, thank god I love them and actually want to talk to/be with them) or just show up at my apartment without needing a confirmation from me to come. this is okay, because while if it was a permanent state of being then I'd be horribly antisocial and die alone - no, die LONELY... there's a difference - but it's not permanent. I'm just trying to process 8 years worth of shit into a much smaller timeframe. Realistically, I should probably go to rehab again for adderall/etizolam... but who has time for that!? More importantly, I feel like my time at WW was a once in a lifetime, lottery winning luck type of deal. Another run through the ringer could never measure up to meeting Mollie & Joey, the pieces of my family that Mikey and I never knew were missing until we met them. Maybe I'm wrong - if this method of mine doesn't work then I'll give it another go.

So yeah, chances of having sex seemed literally slim to none. I hadn't in months, and the last time was when I was half asleep and barely realized how it happened (that sounds bad, but when you've spent years in a pill-induced haze it's not that uncommon) so I figured I was in the clear to eliminate my birth control from my life in order to try and eliminate one more factor for the "how to perfectly balance my brain" unsolved mystery. I even had thought through all of my rosters of prospects (including the 2 I saw tonight) and had written them off as "never likely to talk to again."

...How could I have predicted the whirlwind of unplanned events that somehow led me to stop panicking long enough to realize I wanted more adderall, but not at a price that would lead to me losing money... aka I wanted to buy enough to sell them so mine are free (and yes, for the thrill - another point to my therapist for calling out my need to be 'bad' for lack of a better word) without breaking the bank to the point of worrying that I'm an addict all over again*? Alright so in hindsight if I had thought ahead even a little I probably would have predicted that, but right now is all about just living in the current moment (without the assistance of painkillers) so it wasn't as predictable as it now seems.

*Sobriety is not black and white: LIGHT BULB. hahaha no but really, it seems so clear-cut, but my thoughts go right back to the article that saved my life in which my guardian angel, through her father, says "I hate the words dirty/clean when talking about addiction. Saying that someone is 'clean' implies that when they were using they were dirty" (I'm paraphrasing, clicking into the article for the exact quote would take me too off track) ... and it's true, I just always have to fall back on "no painkillers" to make it black and white for myself, otherwise questions of "am I actually 'in recovery'" would ruin said-recovery. I'm doing this my way, just like every other addict. :)

And back to the point, now we're at today:

drug dealing = my fave form of socializing. It's as if when I'm engaging in some light exchanging of pills between friends for money that I truly feel like I'm able to live without trying - I'm in the zone, confidence levels maybe not through the roof but far higher than any normal social situation. I don't know if I can convey what I mean/feel in words, because I'm terrified to think that my passion isn't SQL it's drug dealing ... but actually that's a great fucking comparison. The way I feel about it is as confident as I am with writing SQL scripts!! Therefore, when it came to (for anonymity purposes) Mr. Tall and Strong texting me saying his homegrown bud was on sale and he would deliver for a better price than my current delivery service, I couldn't turn it down. However, if I hadn't been buoyed with confidence by that 1 small conversation/attempt at socialization, I may have never texted Mr. Hot Customer for the addys that I didn't ever expect to need from him since our relationship has consisted solely of his visits to pick up more from me every few days until his roommate beat me out with a lower price (ANOTHER reason I had decided I wouldn't bother getting enough to sell... silly Sammi, when will you accept that having them available as a comfort blanket/to stay awake is still part of my current recovery? I've been wanting to have nice simple no strings attached sex with since I met him back in... idk, the spring? He's tough to read - I mean I guess I should have at least had the confidence to know that no straight, single male would turn down sex without strings attached, but I never wanted to risk ending his visits (for the money... and the socialization, not going to lie - I take what I can get when I'm unwilling to answer most texts or travel to see anyone) by making it awkward. Naturally decided to align for my sex life again despite my previously non-existent libido 5ish days after deciding to stop taking birth control for the first time in years. I EVEN WROTE A JOURNAL ENTRY EARLIER TODAY ABOUT IT! Must add it here, because now it's even more ironic... I had 0 intentions of even entertaining the idea of having a conversation with anyone and ended up finally having my curiosities about Mr. Hot Customer sated.

I'm 100% attributing the pure bliss I've felt ever since he left a couple hours ago to the happy-chemicals/endorphins that come from sex. The thought of trying to analyze my feelings about someone ELSE, never mind a goddamn "lover" when my entire past few years post-dog-thief have been spent isolating myself (subconsciously-ish?) until I finally got myself to rehab and started the whole process of re-learning life. I hate even thinking about any past relationships because the thought of having those complicated, passionate feelings is terrifying in my fragile mental state of current day.

So, in conclusion, I'd like to thank the universe for antidepressants and good sex. Cheers, time to go since apparently I've been sitting here for an hour and typing my thoughts is pretty exhausting. Will come back and add pics ... idk, whenever I stop only adding to my to-do list and start the doing.

REMINDERRRR!!!! UPDATE ON IF I STICK TO THE ROUTINE TO TRY AND FORCE MYSELF TO! DO NOT TRY AND BE A RULE BREAKER SAMMI, THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO LIVE ALL THE TIME!!!! (keywords being all the time).