sigh

My high school self would be BAFFLED by my current state of mind. I will admit being back in Florida and appreciating it instead of feeling like a hostage (to myself... can you hold yourself hostage? bc I did....) does remind me of the progress I've made. Or, as my mom says "what a difference a year makes" ... I don't know why I felt like an imposter when she said that. I haven't relapsed - and I'm only taking medications as prescribed. Being laid off clearly impacted my state of mind more than I appreciated at the time. Work really does provide a huge part of a person's identity, and I was stupid not to realize/admit how much being laid off hurt & has impacted my current state of mind.

Why would my high school self be so frustrated with my present self? Because I was naïve enough to think that living by whichever president's motto about "do what can be done now, not tomorrow" (paraphrasing obvs) was as simple as it feels it should be: have something on your mind? just do it. Nike even says it! Yet here I am, armed with a to-do list I'm so proud of making that I felt like I "deserved" to lay in bed and read a book for awhile... despite the fact that the length & contents of that to-do list SHOULD motivate me to start checking things off immediately.

Naturally my thoughts got so twisted/overwhelmed, I ended up thinking about journaling and ended up here instead (there's a win! even if I do just read after). I remember posting/thinking about something similar a few weeks/maybe a month ago while I was walking Maige. It's definitely a post in my 'notes' on my phone, but checking to make sure I pasted it here (pretty sure I haven't) just is another thing to add to that damn to-do list. Besides, maybe now I have a better perspective on this conundrum of "why the hell can't I do anything without exerting 10000000000% of my mental effort to the point where living seems more depressing than dying." It's a tough one, but I'm trying to apply my (out of practice, because despite saying I'd take online courses I haven't even gone as far at to browse any) analytical skills here.

WHY!?

Okay so thinking back to the days when I used pills to motivate myself, I remember thinking "okay I just have to get high to figure out what the mental difference is that allows me to get things done once I'm high so I can apply it sober" ... obviously I ended up doing that many times, but I did come to a conclusion once: "I just do without thinking the way I do sober" ... clearly I need to find a middle ground (gd all or nothing behavior, per usual) between overthinking & not thinking things through enough... perfect example(ish): I just got distracted by the '9 lives' MGK music video I have playing on the TV (I need to do this more often back home, youtube is mikey's bff and should be mine too) thinking "wow I need to check his website to see if anything he's wearing is being sold as 'merch'. But no, that goes completely against my latest 'decisions guideline for life' (named that on the spot, clearly) which states "STOP BUYING SHIT." Not only because I no longer have a source of income (the paychecks stopping really made losing my job hit home... but am I going to have to go broke before I pull myself together enough to get a job!?), but because packing for florida made me realize I ALREADY HAVE enough shit to live from 2 places without needing to buy many (if any) duplicates.

How is that a perfect example?

A wonky train of thought per usual, but I remembered a meditation I love called "letter's to a young woman: addiction" (something like that) in which I realized that there's a lot of ways addiction manifests itself to "give yourself that dopamine hit needed to get through a trying moment" ... all my fucking moment's feel trying and just too ... BIG, too much, like "figure out life values, have a goal" etc. but I realize that my problems are champagne problems compared to other people's. That being said, as my therapist so nicely put it, everyone operates from their own frame of reference. This is mine, and while I can acknowledge that my problems are likely laughable to others, I also need to acknowledge that I still have issues that need addressing. Maybe I should word it this way... I have the luxury of addressing my mental issues/sense of self type problems, because I don't live day to day in fear for my life. If we suddenly got bombed and the US turned into a war-zone, I'm sure I'd have plenty of goals without even thinking about it... because I guess survival instincts come into play - like "don't die" is a much more livable goal when you're at risk of dying every day.

I definitely wandered off that train of thought... but I think I'm getting somewhere. I need to learn better 'coping mechanisms' for any emotionally distressing moments (and I pretty much always feel emotionally distressed, another thing my naive high school self would shake her head at - stop thinking and just get shit done! I KNOW I KNOW). How can I turn down the noise in my head without drugs??

AND THAT is the real question. I'm clearly making progress (as evidenced from YoY analysis... hahhh, maybe I do miss working), but I want to make more progress FASTER and without feeling miserable the entire time.

...that should be so much easier than it is. I'm pretty sure there's a body image/weight/food component so deeply ingrained I don't even notice, especially since just typing that out literally made me cringe and want to delete the whole sentence, so that'll be a thought put on pause for now... while I eat my first morsel of food of the day at 5:53pm. sigh. whatever, i'm a work in progress, and that just has to be good enough for me for now.