silver lining!

Wow I had to get this train of thought written down as soon as I realized it was a positive one - had to livestream those, they're so rare!

LIVESTREAM 7pm 1/3/23 Tuesday

I was thinking about how tomorrow I'm no longer taking even my prescribed adderall, wondering what to do in order to not fuck up* and just call the doctor after a day without it... and yet for some reason, I ended up on THIS thought, which I really love: no matter what happens, at least I'm getting to know myself more. I mean this is such a literal way it is kinda ridiculous, but what else is new. One of my ideas for how to not fuck up was to try and livestream - well basically what I'm doing now, but just all day. I can't even imagine - as I've said before, I'd need 6 of me to accurately get all the different trains of thought typed out. I realize that that's partially the point: by writing I'm forcing my thoughts to at least somewhat slow down. I guess an overall takeaway from this journey to inner peace is that slowing down moment to moment is key. Ugh trying to write takeaways from this process (which is really just living my life, but since I'm unemployed I have time to write about it) is incredibly difficult. I understand why I have sections on "true cliches" ... writing this out would be so much more beneficial if I wrote something worth reading. The good thing is, I'm finally figuring out that the only person who's opinion matters on how good or bad I'm doing at life is my own. How many times have I read "the subtle art of not giving a fuck" by mark manson!? Too many, and still, I'm just finally accepting that fact as truth on a subconcious level.

That's what I'm doing: trying to find my soul by correcting my automatic/subsconcious thoughts. As dad always said "strong body, strong mind" and per usual he's spot on. thankfully he's not the type to gloat, but my point is I'm starting to truly accept some basic truths. I just realized that saying doesn't apply at all... but I'm not deleting it, because this is a livestream, and I swear future me eventually I will start writing things that you are not terrified of reading. HEY that's how I'll know when I've completed my soul searching/life plan mission: I'll be able to post here coherently and organize/design the website... ya know, all those To Do lists I've made over the last couple years.

I cannot believe that is how long it's been. And to think I thought I had it all figured out when I bought this domain years ago... HAH. Well no, I knew that I knew nothing, but I really thought I was sober. I hate saying that because it's admitting that I'm not 100% sober now (and who gets to define sober anyways!? I do, and I'm re-evaluating that definition in regards to weed & prescribed meds that I shouldn't take) - "ay, that's the rub."

...That is the actual thought I just had. anyways, that's what this post was meant to be about: the fact I'm becoming self-aware enough to realize that I'm the one setting the standards for "failure" and "success" for myself. I've long known I'm my own worst enemy/need to get out of my own way, but I didn't understand what that truly meant until recently. I always said I don't know what causes my anxiety/depression... but I'm doing everything I can to find out and fix it. For so long I thought just quitting painkillers was the goal... nope, I don't trust myself to be myself - or well, I don't trust myself in general, not completely - when I am  medicated in some way. Why? Because it adds a qualifier in my head to every achievement - just tarnishes everything a tiny bit. This applies in so many ways: "I got a promotion yay! ... but I cheated, I've been taking adderall" – I don't even agree with that sentence, but I've realized that it's my brain's automatic thought in so many situations. "I really like him... but does he even know me? how can he if I don't even really know me yet? I've always been on something when I've seen anyone - hell, even when I'm alone - and until that changes I won't trust myself and therefore will be unhappy. At least that's the hypothesis I'm working on: I have to trust myself to follow through with plans, especially when those plans reflect what I want to have as values: number 1 being don't do drugs. Well no, that doesn't quite capture the headspace I've been in... although I have been thinking a lot about the definition of sober and who gets to make these decisions – which leads me so nicely back to my point!

I'm realizing I get to make all the decisions. I just have to learn how to trust myself to do it. I can figure out how to make this fancy looking/do stuff, but I'm terrified I'll find it horribly boring and then panic that I've (once again) chosen a career path I hate. I've also been trying to remember that even though I want to positively channel my all or nothing behavior into something that both makes money while also being a passion, that might just not be in the cards. Lots of people work jobs they hate - I was one of them for all my working years. Just gotta do what you gotta do to get by. That leads me back to a thought I wrote about in my journal (physical) - must add the picture or retype it here - about how I'm currently surviving, I'd like to get to existing, and living is the ultimate goal.

So simple, right? ...right. Alright fuck this panic inducing act of writing out my thoughts - that's how I know it helps, because it terrifies me. I've been going by that methodology a lot too lately - related cliche: "do at least one thing a day that scares you" eye roll .. living terrifies me, so I need to do way more than one thing, but the idea is spot on: if it's scary, I'm moving in the right direction. I guess going from being emotionally numb to feeling like my every nerve ending is exposed results in apathy so often that I have to latch on to anything that inspires feelings. Alright, ENOUGH! Back to hiding in a book, - for what it's worth, I have been making some progress while I'm not paying attention (not that that makes any sense) - i.e. looked up the 'Flatiron School' curriculum. I've realized that my decisions are going to be impulsive and maybe that's okay. As long as I finally decide on SOMETHING, I'll take it.

*fuck up = not follow through on a plan. all plans, big or small: meditating, yoga, taking maige to the park, to take/not take certain meds, etc.