SOS

At the park my train of thought got so morbid that it's clear I'm losing any sanity I had - seriously, I have never thought I'd find myself thinking the version of dark thoughts that I found myself having before snapping out of it. I don't even want to type it, but I do need to write this so I remember that whether I do 100 or 0 things from my to-do list in the last post ... I'm fucking broken. How do I fix myself? It's clearly a lifelong thing, like learning to live without pills, but... I can't feel this way forever, can I? I don't know how I manage to pretend to be normal, but I almost wish I couldn't so I would get locked in some sort of psych ward where I belong- as long as dogs are allowed, otherwise just fucking kill me instead.

UPDATE: 1 hour of weed, Denver, and meditations that didn't seem to work until I now realize I feel better (evidence - future sammi, take note! meditating works even when you bitch through the entire 15 minutes)

Anyways, I just was so miserable ^^^^ that I found myself eventually finally dancing around my room (yes, obviously listening to tickets to my downfall - don't fix it if it's not broken and all that) and had a thought I wanted to capture here.

I barely remember what that thought was after even just seeing in black and white the difference between when I started this an hour ago and now - and I didn't fucking change/do anything. Well, it didn't seem like I did - OH, "I'm permanently broken" ... no, but it was something about being broken and apologizing to the world for living - sorry future self, the thoughts are fast and furious. As I was saying, up until literally right now I didn't realize I no longer wanted anything to do with the version of myself that wrote that first paragraph... meaning (I think) that I feel better. So, despite the fact I didn't realize I was doing anything other than bemoaning my permanent broken-ness, let's see what I did...

I definitely was lost in an annoying train of thought or I wouldn't be writing - but the fact I was dancing (still bopping - I'M STILL YOUNG, WASTING MY YOUTH- I PROMISE THAT I'LL GROW UP NEXT SUMMER) proves that no matter how annoyed I was with myself for wanting to apologize to Mr. Dog Theif (who probably deserves an apology, but not until I'm more sure about my sanity) the end result remains: I feel better. Think think... okay I started the insight timer course about something with mindfulness to manage depression (which I thought was dumb since I finally didn't  feel depressed - just insane/hopelessly broken beyond repair) and while in theory I listened to the entire 15 minutes, 10 of which was a normal meditation, I definitely was so fidgety I started cutting one of my shirts (that seems to be a common coping technique for reality lately) and playing with a candle (another pattern clearly... idk why, but I love my stupid candles - oh yes I know why, because I am a pyro that loves flames yet not enough to take it to the levels of arson... thankfully. I have that going for me at least!) ... but I guess it worked despite my cynicism. Ah, it must be because of Denver - I was also crying to/petting/hugging him at the time. I also was texting people - well okay, no, I was texting medical health professionals because they're nice enough to deal with me via text and set me up for things I likely wouldn't force myself to otherwise... thanks Neil, see ya monday for IOP intake!

Alright shut up, I get it brain - I'm clearly an idiot for not realizing I was doing literally a bunch of things that I have been teaching myself to do in order to feel better without unprescribed drugs (weed is a plant). HEY but I did technically talk to my guy... to sell to him, but still. WAIT - Why am I looking for a reason to be mad at myself????? It's okay to be - OMG THAT'S WHY I STARTED WRITING. I saw my shirt that said "it's okay not to be okay" and kept thinking 'tell that to my brain' ... damn, i still don't know if that was the thought I had been trying to remember to write here, but I'll take realizing how much better I feel over remembering anything.

LONELY, LONELY, EVEN WHEN THE ROOM IS FULL, I HATE THIS, I'M JADED, AND I'D TRADE IT ALL FOR YOU

in my case you = my sanity whereas MGK said in the beginning of his livestreamed concert from LA (the roxy!) that the song was written with his father and aunt in mind ... although I need to fact check that.

FUUUUUCK. AT LEAST, MAKE IT LOOK GOOD WHILE YOU'RE LYING TO ME GODDAMNIT I'M TRYING TO FIND INNER PEACE, BUT IT'S WORLD WAR THREE.

...god I love that fucking song. UPSIDE DOWN, UPSIDE DOWN, okay sammi, enough.

Thank god for this album, I'm not really sure how I survived before it - jk, silly me - drugs! No more kiddo, keep your nose clean. And maybe write those annoying thoughts out as apologies/letters later, but stay off your phone - you're still not sane.

in a rare case of epic timing, ending perfectly timed in tune on the song that says "SOS" a billion times. thanks jillybean <3