SOS

so much for my cheat-code to help with going back to work... i should have known there's no such thing as an adderall substitute that works (god knows I've tried them all). aside from a bit of placebo effect, I'm right back to my miserable old self... meaning I have to find a way to be the person I am on drugs without the drugs - because it's still me! why is this so hard?

I did manage to drive from CT to NC in my dad's old truck (thanks for being psychic nicky) and am staying in an AirBnB. Some time away from my parents has definitely helped, but I'm meant to be starting back at work today and questioning everything.

Should I have brought along Maige, the dog I adopted from the kennel I helped at all summer? I thought for sure this was an obvious yes, and yet suddenly I have this claustrophobic feeling about it - I've already almost secured an apartment that's dog friendly, yet suddenly my brain seems fit to remind me how much less I could be spending to live right downtown if I didn't have a dog to worry about. I NEVER thought having a dog is something I would second guess... but there's a big difference between co-owning and owning.

I've also never lived alone - aside from the time I lived with a random girl right after my breakup in 2016, I've never even had to navigate finding a place on my own. Everything is just new and while that's a good thing, I'm plagued with doubts that my choices are the right ones to set myself up for success rather than to set myself up to fall back into drugs.

...Quitting was so much easier than staying sober. Time to figure out how to get back to work after wayyy too many months off.