soul work

For years I have said "if I could just get myself to meditate and do yoga every day I know I'd feel better" ... my childhood-self would be appalled that it has taken me YEARS to even just meditate for 10 days in a row (because as a kid, well before I had ever heard of 'procrastination', I thought for sure that doing something was no harder than just making the decision and then making sure my parents were okay with it*) - but, this is negative thinking, and I am changing that! So what I mean is, I have meditated for 10 days in a row using the Insight Timer app and - what do you know - I'm currently feeling better right now than I have in ages! I am posting this now as a reminder to come back and update it with a solid "livestream"/thinking through of why I'm feeling better... because I promised myself I would, and from now on I'm going to take those promises to myself a lot more seriously. As Case Kenny would say: it's a sure thing! ... which reminds me I've wanted to do the same thing for the book/journal 'but first, inner peace,' because despite the fact it's taking me longer than the 60 days – NO, no, delete "despite the fact" and everything after. What I meant was, good for me, I am following through on something I started in the effort of ... aligning my chakras? doing soul work? (fuck if I know what to call it, but that's what came to mind at first) WHATEVER, doesn't matter what it's called, because I call it progress.

(mic drop).

jk, obviously I have more thoughts than just that! One thing that the david person doing the 7 day 'finding peace' challenge said that I really want to remember/think through, is something that is common to hear in any yoga/meditation practice, but right now it's really making me think. Paraphrasing, he said 'thank you/thank yourself for taking the time to do the most important type of work there is: working on yourself' ... something like that, as usual almost a cliche, and yet it's FINALLY resonating with me. I've been (unintentionally, obviously - hence why I'm working on controlling these thoughts of mine) absolutely demolishing my sense of self-worth based on the fact I'm not working or taking classes or "doing anything." ... HELLO SELF, WAKE UP CALL! This shit is no joke. I've always avoided the 'darkness of my mind' (song lyric?) or delving too deep... but now it seems like I've unlocked a door in some ways. I didn't really value the time I'm spending focusing on my mental/emotional health until listening to Day 5 of this challenge (i think... i'll link to it later, I need to do yoga if I want to finish my 'daily morning to-do list/routine before it gets any later. might need to revise that little checklist of mine to just be 'daily to-do's' and tweak my morning routine a bit more slowly. I am tempted to shy away at the MOUNTAIN of work I know it is going to take to get myself any semblance of inner peace (and to me, that bar is low: I just want to be a functioning member of society at this point. I KNOW, Case Kenny, aim for the bushes... oh, actually, I guess that's agreeing with me. whatever, another thought for later. I'm going to have to reread this whole thing (the horror!) to remember all the points I want to think through in more detail - but, for the first time in my life, I trust that it will be worth it. Or, as david (kinda) said, I believe the universe is guiding me to exactly where I need to be/what I need to be doing all the time, the same way I know my heart is going to keep beating (well, barring any unforeseen circumstances... the point is, I don't have to think about it). This is no time for self-doubt/loathing etc. etc. that I've been subconsciously allowing to seep into my brain like some sort of insidious disease - in fact, I guess anxiety and depression are a disease, but I'm thinking more on a day to day level. Do I think I can 'cure' my anxiety/depression without (taken as prescribed!) meds? That suddenly has become a real question, because life with no health insurance is expensive as hell for anyone who needs to frequently visit a doctor. I'm so grateful to have a decent severance package & a family I know I could fall back on if needed because I now see why any illness could be debilitating for a person/family. Anyways, back to my original question (focus sammi! I made it italic so I can follow this more easily eventually). So at first I thought the answer to that was "no of course not, it's a chemical imbalance that won't magically fix itself" ... but before I could even type that, my brain was spinning. Didn't rehab teach me something about how the brain is always creating new neural pathways? I'll need to look that up (hey, another thing to do, future-me), but the point is I remember being relieved that I had not done completely irreversible damage to my brain. So, what's my point here? All along I've been bemoaning my anxiety and depression because "I have no reason to be anxious or depressed" (besides fucking with my brain chemistry via an assortment of pharmaceuticals for the previous decade), but I'm realizing deep down, buried underneath years of experiences/habits built/lessons learned/feelings felt/etc. etc. is a tiny little voice trying to get me to open my eyes to what's right in front of me. I don't know how to word it better than that yet, because the thought of ending up back in rehab and starting all over is unbearable - no matter how many times I quote different sources (a lot of Case Kenny) about 'starting over' being the best thing ever... I clearly don't believe it deep in my soul. Why? Because the thought of having to even look into treatment centers around here makes me want to be physically ill. I'm too scared to even google 'kratom withdrawals' because I know the results will be horrifying. Even as I type this I'm thinking "oh stop exaggerating, you don't need it, it's not like it makes you feel any better" ... but it is absolutely a HUGE crutch that I need to get rid of if I ever want to truly have this elusive 'inner peace' - or even just to get my damn soul back. (ahh MGK: "I used to have a soul but then I threw it away"- time to play his beautiful voice in my room and do my "morning" yoga routine. I'll be back... it may take awhile, but sooner or later I'm going to realize that I can't truly heal until I am not reliant on anything that isn't doctor prescribed. Andd naturally some of my UNWELCOME but still present evil thoughts: "but people are addicted to fat and sugar and caffeine and it's NBD" ... but no no no, 'people' can be whatever they want - clearly it's bothering me on some level, or I wouldn't be panicking at the idea of trying to sort my thoughts out about it. Russell Brand and his radical ways - I'm staring at the book from a shelf on the wall right now - suddenly don't seem so absurd. I almost even understand his need to abstain from even sex – I would never want to, but I can relate to wanting to be- as his book is so aptly titled- "freedom from our addictions").

*This reminds me of something I read... OH the post in my reply to the 'relationships' group on the Insight Timer app! one of the many things that has been building up in my head to list out as "life lessons" .... once I think through enough about what I've heard/learned to be able to get any valuable lessons.