Stop, Breathe, Write...

So much to do, and yet here I am, spilling my thoughts out - but I think it'll help settle them so I can get any of the million things on my to-do list done ... I hope.

I was in a weird & wired mood yesterday (maybe from the amazing cometeer coffee? who knows, but I wasn't high and that's what matters to me ... unless it was a manic phase and all the docs are wrong and I am bi-polar... alright, stopping this train of thought now) and started (finally) writing out my goals and how to get them, starting with a morning routine - seeing as I could not sleep last night then didn't wake up until 11, it's safe to say day 1 of my attempt to wake up and do yoga immediately didn't work. On the bright side, I've been doing yoga and meditating every day and I'd be stupid not to notice the positive side effects, so definitely planning to keep that up. As for the mornings? If at first you don't succeed, try try again... as long as I don't move into the definition of insanity, trying the same thing & expecting different results.

CIA RECRUITMENT

Kidding... I think. But my brain is absolutely spinning with all the different job options I suddenly have - if that's not proof that 'fake it till you make it' works, nothing is. One role a recruiter called me about 2 weeks ago, and outlined a job that pays a ridiculous salary, has absurd benefits, pays you to take vacations, and is a start-up with only 20 employees that made BILLIONS in revenue their first year. I said "listen I understand you have a job to do, but I've found when something sounds too good to be true it probably is, so what's the catch?" ... and he said there's no catch other than it being a competitive position and "I fit the profile." I assumed that I hadn't gotten picked to be interviewed since I hadn't heard from him - until yesterday. Turns out the hiring manager (the Chief Growth Officer) had COVID and that's why there was such a delay, but the recruiter called and said they want to interview me Monday ... and I can get more information after I sign an NDA. A non-disclosure agreement. I forced myself to sleep on it and have my parent's friend that is high up in the business world read it over for me, but OF COURSE I'm going to sign it - I'm not convinced this isn't a scam yet, but if it isn't then I know which role suddenly is my top choice.

This job search process has been annoying, but I'm realizing the lengthiness of it has been good for my mental/emotional growth: I've started better understanding what I want to do with my life which is an epic win for someone that panicked about having no goals after achieving the only one I had for years: quitting painkillers. It's also forcing me to stop completely disassociating from reality, because if I don't answer calls from recruiters or miss interviews, I won't get hired (duh), and now that I'm finding roles I'm excited about I actually enjoy the interviews.

However, if I can land this mysterious job made up of a group of 20 people who somehow managed to make billions their FIRST year, I'm so in. I realized that one of the reasons I've been hesitating with this whole job search in the first place (other than just generally getting my head on straight) is that I don't want to just be another cog in a machine at a big corporation. Been there, done that, and while it may be a necessary evil for financial stability, ProPet Content has helped me realize it doesn't have to be. There are so many ways to make money, I just happened to get educated at a college where they created worker bees for big businesses (I mean Bentley was literally a 'feeder school' for 'the big 4' consulting/audit firms) that it took awhile to re-train my mind to see the other possibilities.

That being said, I realize I'm not interested in being paid to do things that other people just don't have time for (i.e. social media management) - ProPet Content is great and has taught me so much, and I certainly want to keep it moving forward, but yesterday I had a realization in terms of how to find the right job.

Curiouser & Curiouser...

Naturally, an Alice in Wonderland quote is fitting here: all these years I've been told my 'natural curiosity is a strength and weakness depending on how I manage to focus it' ... but I never really thought about how to best harness that curiosity in a way that will both keep me interested and make money. Not until this recruiter started talking about this CIA job (it's not really the CIA, but sissy's nickname for it has stuck until I finally sign the NDA and learn the name) did I realize the blatantly obvious ways to keep my curiosity alive and well while making an income: having skin in the game. Normally, I've assumed commission pay jobs aren't an option because I hate sales... then once the recruiter pointed out that on top of the ridiculous salary this company is willing to pay, I would also have equity in the company. Quickest way to make me motivated for something to succeed? Having ownership in it - that's what I mean by skin in the game. I need to prepare a 'knock them out of the park' type answer for the question 'why do you want to work here' and I am fairly certain the basis of that answer is going to have a lot more to do with my personal motivations than whatever this mysterious company does. I want to be surrounded by people smarter than me who are willing to share their knowledge, point me in the right direction of what to learn, and then let me do what I do best: figure shit out.

Dating the DEA?

So yeah, there's a lot going on inside my head right now: date #2 with the DEA agent being the biggest non-job related one. I realize now that all the dating I've done in the past has been ... idk, more like playing around, at least until Tyler - and that fucked me up more than I'll ever allow to happen again, so now this whole 'taking things slow' approach is somewhat fascinating to me despite it being how the majority of the population has been dating for decades. We'll see how it goes, I've been pretty good at balancing optimism & realism lately in terms of not getting my hopes too set on certain jobs and since I want a job way more than a boyfriend I'm actually excited to just get dinner with someone I enjoy talking to. There was no instant connection like I felt with Tyler, but maybe that's the problem - those instant connections aren't built on real foundations, they're built on lust/feelings. I guess there's something to be said for getting to know someone before jumping into bed with them ... ugh, I hate when my mom's proven right. Is this growing up?? Must be.

P.S. AMANDA: I need to join your writing group, do not let me talk myself out of it! i love you <3

P.P.S. Note to future self, write about Doggy Dan's dog psychology and plans to start training Maige for something, because it's a good idea!!

xoxo,
Sammi