that was dumb

**After writing all this I saved a bunch of random pics I wanted to use as a collage for the feature image, but I'm going to just throw them between the paragraphs instead along with some of the screenshots from 'headway' I meant to use ages ago. They're just all things I want to remember and go in no order of what I wrote - not that that follows much order anyways...

Anytime I find myself thinking “ugh I wish I could go back to being so depressed I don’t care about anything but reading my kindle and surviving” I know something’s going wrong and needs immediate fixing. Today, I realized I’ve missed taking the damn effexor more days in a row than I can remember. I want to be off it completely eventually, but as I have learned the hard way MANY TIMES, I need to do it as prescribed not just by deciding to stop. Live and learn, another #lifelesson I suppose even if it seems like I really shouldn’t still be learning this one… but whatever, “should” isn’t a thing. It is what it is, so I’ll just do better.

To be clear, I’m not blaming my weird depressed/anxious state on forgetting - as always, with everything in life, there are so many factors that go into how you’re feeling. I’m trying to be better at remembering that laser focusing on 1 specific reason I blame for feeling bad and only focusing on trying to fix that 1 problem does me so much more harm than good.

Obviously, I’ve focused way too much recently on my most recent breakup - but I also realized that, despite convincing myself otherwise, old posts prove that this is not a new, one time, on love situation. In fact, not that I put myself of the torture of reading too much, it’s actually more of a theme - go figure. For all my bluster about not wanting to get married or needing a guy (or roster of them), I have spent a lot of time mourning or psychotically trying to recover waste of time relationships. That’s not healthy. I have to thank Kiley for a large part of that realization - seeing the pattern and accepting I’ve been lying to myself about my most recent ex being the worst heartbreak was something I could only do for myself, but she has been filled with such wise words about “rose colored lenses” on past relationships and the absolute separate need for self-love first. There’s proof the universe provides what you need, because the last few nights she has said everything I never realized I needed to hear - even if (or maybe especially) it hurts to hear. The fact she always reminds me I’m a gem certainly helps - I am so grateful for the few truly authentic human connections I have on this planet.

So back to my point: yes, not taking my meds wasn’t smart despite being unintentional and obviously I took it today … but that’s not going to be what propels me out of this dark spot, and it’s been hindering my healing journey to focus on ONE thing like that. This truly is a thought I’ve been having a lot - one I’ve mentioned countless times, but not quite worded in the questionable way I’m about to: it has become more clear to me how much of an over-emphasis I always have put on being an addict and getting sober may be hurting (or at least just slowing) making a full recovery at truly living again.

Do I need to stay sober (well, off painkillers - weed is here to stay and I’ve had occasional drinks, so I’ll stick with calling it soberish)? YES. I cannot lose sight of that priority ever. Recently I’ve had a rare temptation which I don’t even want to waste thought here on detailing, but needless to say I thank the universe every single day that even if I sometimes have thoughts about getting opiates again, it’s rare and mercifully hasn’t happened. I’m not saying that’s not important and I can just go do drugs - I’m saying I need to realize that by focusing so much of my energy on that, I’m not allowing the energy I need for EVERYTHING else in life: human connection, a will to live and do more than hide reading my kindle all day, yoga, meditation, prayer, reading, work - those things are so much more important than I have given them credit for, and it shows.

Friends? I have the true few who have stayed loyal throughout the years - even when I didn’t make it easy - but moving has made for an interesting journey without having as many (or sometimes any) friends by my side as I was used to. I am proud for learning to love being alone - with maige of course - but there’s a balance to it I’ve been missing. I let that last relationship become almost my only one not just because of his jealousy issues - that’s not taking responsibility for my own actions. I let myself be convinced to let friendships go or cut people out in part because on some level what he said made sense (“what you’ve been doing clearly hasn’t been working since you haven’t had a real relationship in years” or talking to exes, bc I got jealous of girls he talked to too) but also, completely independently from him, I cut people out of my life because it was easier to just focus on my relationship with him as EVERYTHING than it was to maintain the connections with friends that now, having reconnected, I realize are so incredibly important to me. Truly it was laziness on my part: why bother talking to or seeing anyone else when I was happy with the “love of my life.” I realize now that that’s not the type of love or soulmate I need - which should have been obvious, but again, fuck “should.” It wasn’t, I lived & am doing my damn best to learn.

How about my health? Not great but not awful - having a roommate that cooks (and makes sure I eat) is an absolute game changer, and I’ve done some yoga/meditation and lots of dog walking. Have I had bad days/weeks where I barely left my bed? Yes. But on the whole, they are fewer and farther between than they were a year ago and that is what is important.

Work? Hello, you’re killin' it kid! Okay so I am 100% terrified about starting just a part time job for PK, who I know how to work for, because I have gotten WAY too used to not working. Thankfully I’ve managed to step up the work on ProPet recently - and volunteering at the Charleston Animal Society has been a god send, even if I do same-day cancel more than I should. Ah, should again! Hmph, I like this, anytime I say should I will change the thought… I have bailed more than I‘d like, so going forward I will sign up with less time in advance to have a better chance of being in the right place mentally to leave my bed. Of course, forcing myself is the obvious conclusion (sign up weekly and just GO - it sounds so fucking simple) … and yet, insanity is trying the same thing and expecting different results, so I’m going to try and avoid that. Clearly, the world of “should” in my head doesn’t align with reality so it has gotta go.

Speaking of, so do I - because I am starting a new job tomorrow and haven’t fallen asleep before 3am in a week. Not even for bad reasons, actually mainly just because of staying up late chatting with my roommates or hanging out with Mr. Costa Rica (whom I will NOT scare off by acting out or withdrawing for no reason other than being lost in my own head) …. but still, I managed to procrastinate most of the day away and it’s almost midnight. I don’t have much I need to do before 9am tomorrow, but I would like to be way more prepared and preferably out of this zombie like state I’ve achieved through a perfect storm of bad habits plus real attempts at good ones. Sigh. I definitely need to focus better - in every aspect of life - and maybe that starts here. Getting my head back to a sane state always starts here, so maybe better prioritizing every aspect of my life (work, eating, legit just living) instead of falling down rabbit holes slowly turning into the mad hatter.

I can do this - whatever “this” is. Life without painkillers, duh, that’s what “this” is… and more than that, a life of inner peace. I know I’ll get there, and no matter how frustrating it is to feel like I’m spinning myself in circles I have faith that my spinning is still taking me wherever I’m meant to be. Learning to enjoy the spinning - or perhaps direct it more efficiently & effectively— will come in time.

We got this… and no, future self, I’m not developing schizophrenia, I mean “we” as in me, Maige, and every other living being on the planet. Everyone has their battles, and remembering that commonality is so important for me to truly learn/accept. It’s a fine line between empathizing with others & having no boundaries for me, but I’d like to understand the collective human consciousness (er what am I trying to say …. I’m looking at the book “Proof of Heaven” for reference, I guess I mean I’m working on my spiritual/faith/belief in a higher power). Why? Because remembering that no matter how you perceive reality, it will never be the same way anyone else does - and that’s okay, as long as I also embrace that as humans we all have the same ultimate goal: to not suffer (or something like that). A common goal, an alignment with every single human… in some ways feels impossible, but when considering beyond worldly actions it almost seems obvious. I have to hold on to that.

Goodnight moon 🌙

*Back to the caption on the pic ... Does that mean I have no secrets finally!? But... should I? hmm.. social media is truly wild. But this website is my saving grace, so my thought process is anyone bored enough to sift through the insanity can help themselves because if my struggles can help anyone else then it's worth the embarrassment of having someone read something that I hardly ever re-read myself.