The N Word

Another chapter title from the book sissy loved that I finally got the name of: LINK to buy it! I wrote this on my way home yesterday...

... The N word is No

After years of listening to advice on saying “no” more often (“no” is a complete sentence, the subtle art of not giving a fuck, etc.) I finally FINALLY did it in a way that didn’t just mean bailing on plans or avoiding people: epic win. I remember reading that having the option to do something but saying no comes with its own high, and for the first time I am feeling that high instead of my usual feeling after saying no (guilt). I’d like to think writing out my “list” before going to Charleston for the weekend helped with my decision to take the spare bedroom - declining an offer to stay in a cute guy’s bed, without feeling guilty or bad about it.

The lack of guilt now is what makes me realize that I usually struggle with saying no or displeasing people in order to avoid feeling guilty. This realization feels important because now that I have finally experienced a positive response to saying no I will better be able to combat any future anxiety around saying no by focusing on this experience instead of worrying about feeling guilty.

It’s wild to think that I have hooked up with guys in the past not because I really wanted to but because it was easier than saying no. SMH! no more of that, that’s for damn sure. I must admit that at first after saying no it did make me miss my ex in a lonely moment, but I powered through the loneliness and feel all the better for it now. Maybe saying yes would have been a fun distraction for a night, but following through on my no dating until I have a job rule and this new “no” high are evidence that this self-improvement journey is heading in the right direction. No more running from negative emotions for me!

This is what the “progress” tag was for: to remember the wins along the way and reinforce behaviors that result in my ultimate goal: being proud of myself every night.

Dutch said something that perfectly articulated how I want to live life going forward: “Told you I only keep good people around and I’m quick to weed out. I’m done wasting my time with people who bring nothing to the table.” (legit copied that from a text response to me saying I loved all his roommates) - that is a blunt way of what I keep hearing in the self improvement books about focusing on surrounding yourself with the right people. Not only did I get to see baby Al & bain barbie, but I made a new girl friend! Go figure I struggled making friends in Raleigh but in the city where 2 of my friends already live I ended up adoring the only other girl we really hung out with (shoutout to Cat, maybe someday I’ll show you this). I didn’t expect to find a kindred spirit in anyone Dutch dated there, but he has met an absolute winner and she highlights exactly the type of relationships (friendships) I should focus on: friends that work hard, love a good night smoking weed on the couch, and adore their dogs.

Saying no, making friends, and leaving Maige in her crate 2 nights in a row? Progress. Be proud, future self, because while I may still be far from my goals I am learning to celebrate the small wins along the way.

*soundtrack = UPSAHL’s newest album (sick pretty mind is a good one)