the rat race

I think I need to quit my job.

damn, that didn't have nearly the impactful feeling as I thought writing it would... but even contemplating it feels absurd. I've been so grateful for my job ever since blowing up my life in California (ooh make a tag for that future self, cali stories are are great .. when I'm ready for that level of vulnerability). The fact it's been over 6 years is absolutely unreal to me. Another fucking cliche: time flies! or...

Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans

*eye roll* lame, but also proven true by my own "revelations" too many times. In fact, one time was while reflecting upon how useful ADVENTURE is - I haven't made another week to update here, but I've been keeping track on my whiteboard! - and it's useful because it's as if my subconscious uses the actions tied to the letters to determine what I should be doing next. The feeling of checking things off to-do lists is so satisfying that people write down things they've already done just to cross them off... I think this is similar, except at a less conscious level - which makes sense, because by definition habits are things you do habitually! aka without thinking (i think).

Problem: I've never make plans because I like options... liked.

That's right, see future self, I'm catching on - even while writing the headline. Times are changing because I'm a changing because no more getting high to cure everything... joy. No really, because while I lucked out and am not homeless in a ditch but gainfully employed working from home and writing about if I should quit my job from the comfort of my room with pb m&ms in front of me... wow, almost forgot where I was going with this because I was patting myself on the back, but I don't just want to exist! Never have I ever wanted to be part of the rat race - I may not know what my dream job ever was (seriously what kind of kid was I that I can't think of any besides vet once I discovered pets? and that didn't even last long... the longest was being a clockmaker with my dad, but again, a joke!) BUT I do know that I didn't get to a place where I could clean my act up just to squander away the freedom I've given myself - the freedom to choose. Who knew that freedom could be so debilitating? (My therapist, probably a ton of people)

Well what do you like?

Why is it that as soon as someone asks me that or even if I ask myself, my brain comes up blank? As if it's louder than NYC at rush hour all day, but try and think about what I like and the responses are either sarcastic, old, lame ... and honest, but not sure what I could do with candle making (and I really don't like the candle making part as much as playing with the fire and melting wax - but I swear I'm not a pyro). Soo rapid fire, fight through the blanks because I had just thought of 3 before sitting down:

1. Lingerie
2. Dogs
3. Weed (smoking and selling!)
4. Baking edibles
5. Coding - but with a clear goal or problem to solve
6. Not being annoyed
7. Not being told what to do
8. Being a contradiction
9. Ironic, because I'd really love to be normally functioning... whatever normal is. SAMMI stay on topic damnit.
10. meditation class!
11. omg and DUH, yoga! I love feeling all nice and bendy
12. photo shoots with goldie (I can imagine some photographers are creepy or weird so I don't want to just say photoshoots, gotta specify)
13. the beach
14. california
15. sunshine but also rainy days so that I don't feel bad for not being outside
16. the idea of owning an orphanage someday along with a combined pet shelter. I realized I haven't really immersed myself in what that means or truly looks like day to day.
17. ugh unfortunately nicotine - damn juul.
18. yoga swing! being upside down on it w/e
19. decorating my room with the cool t-shirts/clothes since there's nowhere to wear them and this way they get displayed and not dirty: double win!
20. fuzzy sweatshirts
21. socks that say fuck (fuck off, fuck you, i don't give a fuck... it all works)
22. pills. except I'm not allowed the good ones anymore due to the fact I have to follow one stupid rule in life, and that's it. BOREDOM ISN'T A GOOD REASON TO GET HIGH.
23. That needs to be re-read over and over until it really sinks in. Coming up on a year (kinda - 10 months) and it still doesn't quite feel real.

Alright that's enough of 'what I like' because now i'm thinking about how long it has been and what my state of life is. I really thought when I started this blog it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life: sober sammi finally writes myfuturebestseller and never lays in bed all day miserably anxious/depressed again! but no. not even close. In fact, if anything, the realization that all I did was solve 1 of many problems was almost a relief. It reminded me of something Mark Manson says in one of his top blog posts, instead of finding what you love find what you don't hate the most (or something).

So, to quit or not to quit? Makes sense now why this is taking so long...

xoxox

Wow, maybe I should make this a new article for a running list because I just thought of more when I walked away and need them out of my head...

24. freedom even though I'm currently not the best at making decisions (it's on the list of self improvements...wherever that is)

25. reading and writing, those are so ingrained in me I barely thought to mention them

26. running to exercise denver... or maybe for other things too, but just running on a treadmill like I used to sounds like the worst way to spend time ever.

27. catching people by surprise/off-guard (being unpredictable I suppose? except not in an unreliable way, in a fun/maybe dangerous way)

SPEAKING of danger... I know everyone wants the drama and glamour of danger, but the fact I walk(ed) a bit close to the line for a white middle class chick from the suburbs makes me wonder if there's a way to better incorporate danger - or as my therapist first said to me "you like getting away with breaking the rules due to no one thinking you'd break them since you seem innocent" (he worded it way better, but it's true despite how lame that sounds summed up). Idk why I'm trying so hard to get one over on 'the man', but I should probably chill. And maybe buy a gun to test out this danger theory.

28. Ice cream

29. work from home

30. anti-anxiety meds.... god knows what i'd be doing without them. maybe still high - which is bad sammi! stop it.

Too often lately I've been wondering if I should "test out" if I'm an addict. This is literally fucking textbook 'the big book' from AA, which I've barely read and still know because it's that popular - it always starts by thinking "just one." there's even songs about it: one is one too many, and one more is never enough.

...however, I was struggling a few weeks ago with some self identity issues (seems like the best way to say having a nervous breakdown over nothing), and they stemmed from the realization that in theory yes, I've fixed my addiction as best as I can. That's been my goal for so long, it took some patience from my therapist to help me see that I wasn't depressed... I just was confused as to what's next. Everyone's always told me what's next, and I've always fought against what I'm being told whilst appearing to be doing what's expected. Now? There are no expectations - and that is such a new concept for my brain that the new-ness was overwhelming. I can pick to do whatever I want with my life (within reason, hence the need to figure out my job decision) ... omg which is why I'm FINALLY looking up the trips to Africa with Forrest's group. Nice, email sent - that was easy. Always is... no time for yelling at myself though, I've been writing/reflecting for hours and it's 1AM. Bed time! I can travel to Africa and find myself amongst the elephants tomorrow.