the roster method

(aka "Tinder, Bumble, & Hinge - OhMy!" said to the tune of the song from the Wizard of Oz).

While drowning in self-doubt about my life choices and future prospects of ever "settling down", I kept coming back to the whole concept of dating apps/dating in general. My ideas are all currently tangential, unrelated, filled with interruptions - the usual, but I want to try and get them down because either I'm on to something interesting or I just need it out of my head.

FIRST THOUGHT: Am I lame for using dating apps and therefore destined to only meet losers? Fuck no, as evidenced by the friends I have from dates turned hangouts.

Nice, I'm glad I cleared up that crisis before it turned into a real issue because underneath the chaos I was definitely questioning if I should continue using them... but why wouldn't I? It's not like I'm looking for a husband (clearly...) and while I know I won't find my soulmate there (not only because he's in Germany), that doesn't mean my roster needs to be empty while I let the universe take its sweet time! Alright, shoving my self-doubt aside to get down to business.

THE ROSTER METHOD

There was a point in time where My Future Bestseller was going to be focused solely on dating stories, which means now is as good a time as any to break down to myself what was so entertaining back then... and it all starts with the roster. Hopefully writing this will clean up any lingering doubts I had about my life choices to this point and future (nonexistent) plans for the future, because I know it's the loss of a roster member (RIP Dakota's Dad) that started this horrific thought spiral - whatever, here's the key reason for needing a roster:

ONE uncommitted male will never be enough for all a females needs - luckily, a few will do.

...to avoid placing unrealistic expectations on your latest catch or "best of the batch" as I like to say when I realize I'm favoring a guy not because he's all that great but because he's great compared to the idiots I'm comparing him to, and ensure ALL your needs are met, it's best to have a healthy rotation of men that together make up the 'ideal boyfriend' (if such a thing exists).

Bonus: it helps avoid situations like the panic I faced upon losing an old roster member - it's way easier to remember there's other fish in the sea when those fish are already caught and patiently waiting for you to reply to them.

The double bonus point is something that I could rant about for hours, but I'll leave it at this: My incredibly confusing/contradictory to my own thoughts/weird/not understandable/as of yet unfixable nature of being overly affectionate and nice to EVERYONE (that's what no one understands - you're not special, I'm just afflicted with a curse of being a people-pleaser) is not good for dating. Being my brand of nice completely works against me on both ends of the spectrum: guys I don't like think I like them and call me a tease, guys I do like think I'm far more interested than I actually am and get scared off - tragic, right? NOPE, because luckily having a roster helps keep a healthy balance of niceness to all members rather than overwhelming 1 of them.

What role does each roster member fill?

It's by no means an exact science (duh) - it's impossible to be this clinical when feeling are involved, all sorts of things happen: sometimes a guy fulfills more than 1 or it changes throughout our time "together", another will show me a whole new bonus to dating that I don't normally think I need, or there's those who have the audacity to trick me into thinking they've got all 4 when really they have 0... regardless, it all comes back to:

1. SEX. duh - that's why we pair up, isn't it? regardless, if I cared which love language I was it'd be physical touch FOR SURE. I have 100% stayed in contact with roster members just to ensure the option for late night booty calls works both ways still, not because I care to actually converse with them. For me, this is the most important spot to be filled - and the trickiest, because I learned the hard way that sometimes it's hard to remember that loving having sex with someone doesn't mean loving them.
2. CONVERSATION. weird coming from someone with an average running over 100 unread texts (not even going to try and guess the unread messages on all the other apps too, but it's definitely too large thanks to my retreat into myself during and since rehab), but the few people that I do talk to get an overwhelming amount of words when my thoughts do eventually bubble up out of my head. It's nice when one of those people comes with the benefits of being a hot single guy you're hooking up with (even if he's not your best hookup, doesn't mean you don't have a good time).
3. EVENTS. Nowadays in post-COVID times the thought of my highly packed social calendars of years past makes me want to jump off a cliff, however the fact remains that inevitably someday again there will be events that I'm required to attend. What's better for undesired events than a hot single guy to act as both personal entertainment and a buffer from other unwanted social interactions!? Nothing, that's what. This guy has to be the outgoing, down for anything type.
4. ACTIVITIES. There's something to be said for sharing hobbies with someone, and this is likely why so many of my currently engaged/married former roster members are still my friends - because we have the same things in common that had us hanging out while we were hooking up: music, yoga, dog park trips to name a few... basically the original 'friends with benefits' idea. This is where my former usage of guys for drugs and partying would fit - but those days are over, for better or worse ;) JK, better, definitely for the better!
5. BONUS: FOOD. Seriously, I barely remember to eat so having a guy that cooks is a huge win... and that sentence is further proof that I'll never fit the stereotypical wife mold.

And that's it! I've never laid it out in black and white like this before, but it's making me want to get back on the no longer dreaded apps to start assigning candidates for each number. Anyways, I realize after looking back through (and adding food) that 3 &4 sound similar but I can't think of a better way to classify the events I need to attend and prefer to bring another more outgoing/social human than myself with me vs. doing things with someone just because we both like them... so that's staying the way it is, because the idea of replacing "activities" with "shared interests" makes me gag. So I will cut myself off here - ta ta for now! xoxo

Ah, love it when shower thoughts help me draw some conclusions:

1. I need to thank Sh for unintentionally insulting and enlightening me.*
2. My panic was fueled by self-doubt, because of the double jab from him no longer being unavailable and confirming my subconscious fear that anyone using dating apps after a certain age must have something wrong with them.
3. FUCK THAT! No more worrying about if I'm a waste of space on this planet or fucked up, or if every guy on apps will have to be a weirdo by the same theory, NONE of it. Why? This deserves its own number.
4. Every human on this damn planet is fucked up. I have always said I don't want the "white picket fence life" so why would I care if I'm viewed as damaged by those who want what I don't want? I wouldn't! Problem solved. As for the "quality" of guys on the apps... clearly they're serving their purposes well enough that I've never worried about the slimming of potential applicants before yesterday.

*(maybe warn him against any potential insanity when I'm not thinking as rationally as I am now? no sammi, this is why you end up regretting the things you do and calling yourself crazy!)

Update: 3/2/2021: WAY TO GO PAST-SAMMI, YOU KEPT YOUR INSANITY HERE INSTEAD OF SPREADING IT TO ANYONE! Take note, future self!!
...Not to mention that I did recently ask what the end of his sentence would have been and I'm blanking on specifics but it was not at all what I thought. Classic.