think less do more

I have that written in SO many places, because during the last few years of painkiller abuse I would justify getting high to myself by saying "I just need to figure out what I do or how I think differently when I'm high so I can remember it for when I'm sober again" (hah.) There are long rambling written entries which, hopefully someday, I'll take pictures of and upload here, but for now just thinking about them is enough to continually be remembering my own advice "think less, do more."

...the problem with that, dear old well intentioned past-Sammi, is that the more you try and think less suddenly all you're thinking about is trying not to think so much! It's the same as when someone (not naming names... because i'm sure there's more than 1 hahah fuck) tells you "you're over thinking it" ... well thanks, now I'm going to add in worrying about over thinking every thing I already am thinking! God I would love a break from my own head... which reminds me, I had the same thought earlier (and probably 43204839 other times the past 2 years), but it reminded me I need to get back into meditating daily. Even if it's only a few minutes. I know I set guidelines or boundaries somewhere... maybe even posted here? yes I think so, in the post I refuse to re-read or even check the title of because it says things that terrify me. ANYWAYS, point is, I'm going to start meditating and hope it helps.

why am i here?

that's a rhetorical question, but I'm also going to answer it literally: sitting at my desk in the home office I've created in the loft of my apartment. not bad, but I was in the process of vacuuming downstairs and cleaning off the table I have to use my personal laptop for this instead of my work one - common sense one would think, but when I finally get the courage to get my thoughts out of my head it doesn't matter to me where they come out as long as it's recorded somewhere. Ideally here. Plus, the loft is hot AF thanks to the gorgeous sky lights that I adore ... except when it's over 90 degrees out. Central air can't even touch the heat the sun brings.

But, regardless, I'm here. writing. because I haven't been able to stop thinking - over thinking, under thinking, it doesn't matter, I just need to stop for a second and breathe (just took a deep breath automatically - nice) and the best way I know of to do that is get it all out: livestream style. no filter, just... all the thoughts, out of my head to make room for more productive thoughts.

so, what was I first thinking when I thought about wanting to write this? ahhh yes, the title - less thinking more doing. I was walking Maige and reading my kindle (I know, it's an addiction as bad as any other at this point... but if I'm out of the house exercising Maige it's better than just laying on my bed reading it) then started cleaning when I got in and had the thought: "hey, I'm almost finally taking my own old advice from every time I got high: think less, do more." that feels like a good thing... a turning point, or maybe just a realization (probably one I've had before and already written about... but that's fine, I don't need to know because I'm not re-reading these anytime soon) that I'm never going to go from laying in bed to perfectly motivated for tackling ALL THE THINGS! ... just not happening, that's not how real life works. that's how life works when you take pills to make you go from laying in bed to wide awake & ready for action (god I miss adderall and pk's so much in this moment... a craving I guess it's officially called), but that's not the life I've chosen to live. No second guessing my choices, just dealing with the consequences and moving forward. example: adopting Maige and moving to NC... did I think it through beforehand? Maybe subconsciously longer, but really only a couple hours from when my flight got delayed to when I booked the long term AirBnD and decided to buy my dad's truck back off Nicky to move with Maige. At first, I panicked about the responsibility of owning a dog - particularly one as perfectly well-bred yet also huge and intimidating as Maige - in a new city where I didn't even have a place to live yet. It finally one day dawned on me that what was I hoping to achieve with my worried thoughts about keeping Maige? Was I really considering bringing her back to Nicky's? NEVER. from that moment on, I've never had a "coulda shoulda woulda - maybe if I" etc. type moment since.

How do I make this more common? Preferably so I can work 8 hours a day... a pretty low bar, but gotta start somewhere right? I guess I wanted to remember that it's not being high that gets me doing things, it's just starting to do them and going from there.

still swimming over here - as long as I never give up on myself everything will be okay. I looked up "soul work" yesterday... maybe I'll go do some of that. It was fairly vague, but I'm sure meditating wouldn't hurt. so yes, off to do that - because I CAN do things once I stop thinking and start doing! The problem is, I have no real idea why sometimes I can settle the thoughts down enough to do things and other times I can't. but stopping worrying about the future and focusing on the present sounds like a cliche meaning it's probably true so I'm going to do it.