TICKETS TO MY DOWNFALL

Did you know MGK just released a #1 album by manifesting it into reality? He said "I'm going to write an album that hits #1 in 2020" then he did it. TAKEAWAY: the only one stopping my future bestseller from being written is me - so I'm blasting the album and writing until my soul bleeds.

Credit for showing me the power of manifesting goes to Mollie and Baby Al - I won't share their stories yet, but they turned me from thinking it was hocus pocus to a true believer. I'M WRITING MYFUTUREBESTSELLER! Fuck. YES.

NOTEs (to self): * = thought tangent explained separately below main content. Also, I'm trying out naming the sections all by MGK songs from the new album - I need to add the links and format better later). LASTLY, FIGURE OUT THE CODING FOR THE THEME. STOP BEING LAZY. I wish yelling at myself was effective. Anyways...

TITLE TRACK

Music is amazing. I have been so lost in the scariest parts of my head the past week that I was worried I wouldn't make it out alive... until the 4920th time listening to the MGK album (Tickets To My Downfall), because those songs invoke feelings in me that are too euphoric for the English language to provide justice to.* Seriously, I haven't been so obsessed with an entire Album since John Mayer's Heartbreak Warfare in 2009 - and this is even more intense. It's like you can just feel his pain through the speakers or see it on his face live (best decision of the week was to livestream that show, my baby Al knows what I like that's for sure).

NOTHING INSIDE

Speaking of baby Al and my friends in general, part of my insanity this past week was due to my inability to comprehend the vile hatred being spewed from both political sides during this election - seriously, friends and families are being divided over Mr. Orange Man (name credit: JB, the best boss/therapist/life coach a girl could ask for) vs. The Meme Guy. UNPOPULAR OPINION (because goddamn it I am sticking to my vow of honesty a la Brene Brown* * even if I'm not sure I like what it says about me - at least it's real, and I can work with real): I have bigger concerns than who becomes president. Selfish? Absolutely, but it won't matter who the president is if I overdose on opiate or end up insane! Here's my non-political take on politics:

1. I agree and disagree with points from both parties - and since this is the leader of our country we're talking about, that's A LOT of hot topics to have opinions on.
2. Nothing the president does impacts my daily life THAT much - and so far no one has been able to give me a logical example that makes me think otherwise EXCEPT my darling German boyfriend* who pointed out that long term it could make a big impact on my daily life. I liked that thought, because I'm hyper aware that I don't plan well/think ahead enough. Big fan of the whole "live like it's your last day" type mentality I suppose. (I guess that it makes sense that it takes a European perspective on American politics to be able to have a rational conversation... although my psycho ex in Australia - the one I first started doing pills with - is proof opposite, so maybe locale isn't an important variable).
3. As of right now, I am not inspired by either candidate enough to even care to register to vote and take the effort to utilize my rights - I'll stick to utilizing freedom of speech right here hoping to stay sane and help anyone else struggling with addiction. Maybe I'll come up with something even MORE widely used than than the 12 steps of AA are now! Sky is the limit, as long as I get out of my own way.
4. Usually, I imagine that I'm just an alien observing earth (CONCERT FOR ALIENS --> see, it's like MGK wrote the soundtrack to helping me back from insanity!). The idea of being an outside observer with no 'skin in the game' allows me to question facts and logic without emotion, and that fits my curious nature incredibly well. There's SO much out there I want to learn and just not enough hours in the day. Jill always said I just got high because I hated being bored - I can remember the first time perfectly because it felt like a stunning realization (most things do when you're high - that's the problem, it feels good yet it's actually so bad). I'm finally realizing just how much there is to be interested in- even sober! weird that I didn't think that was possible, but hey no one hits a homerun their first time at bat. I have learned a lot by posting some cringe-worthy Instagram stories...

WWIII (these lyrics are really spot on for this one, LOVE it)

"If you don't want to get dirty, stay out of the mud" I wish I could say I handled the expected influx of hate without breaking a sweat, but it did hurt that the only hate didn't from from internet trolls, but so far a total of 3 people I've known well (below). However, there's a method to my madness. My social experiments are forcing me to stand up for something, and that's making me get involved enough to figure out what I believe in. If I tell the truth here and to myself always, then I can understand and process it, which will eventually mean I can start to write my own version of it instead of having my life be dictated by my subconscious biases and societal stigmas. So, who did I lose? It doesn't matter. I had typed out a vague list, but that didn't help me feel the loss less. My whole point of the experiment was to prove how thoughtlessly hateful people are being, so I need to remember this isn't a place to air my grievances - it's a place to heal and understand. Hopefully the ex-friends come to their senses after the election.... or maybe we'll see the next civil war. NO BIG DEAL. Staying sane enough to stay off percs (opiates, blues - whatever) doesn't allow room for political propaganda, and I don't know how to explain that without feeling like I'm "pulling the addict card" so I'll stick with saying nothing to them anymore. Luckily, I have enough support from people who love me despite my inability to care about politics - I was sad to hear not everyone does, but hey I just realized at least I gave them a friend, even just for a night. I wanted to make sure I could prove that I "didn't give a fuck" about what people wanted (Mark Manson's writing has changed my perspective in all the best ways), and while I did care, at least I didn't fake-agree just to keep people happy. Hey, Mr. Therapist! Steve!! – see that!? That's me FINALLY NOT BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER!!! Only took over 2-3 years of working together... Figuring out my life values is a good feeling, I don't care how much crazy I find in my head. Ignorance can be bliss, but not when it comes to my mental health.

*Ah, reminds me of my latest favorite word: alexithymia.... holy shit JK, the Instagram/meme definition is something like "an inability to describe one's emotions related to a certain set of feelings" --> that invoked a nice romantic sounding feeling to me when I saw it in a meme (I'll find it to put here later) but take a look at the first definition from this google search (wikipedia being the source it pulled from... ugh)

Alexithymia is a personal trait characterized by the subclinical inability to identify and describe emotions experienced by one's self or others. The core characteristics of alexithymia are marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relating.

Now if this isn't a perfect example how stigmas come about, what is? Couldn't have planned this better if I tried. If I walked around thinking that the word just meant an occasional fleeting moment where you can't find the right words to describe how you feel, I'd use it all the time! If I had only known the definition from the first page of a google search (which is how I look up most words - clearly I need to change that), then I would absolutely not want to use that word unless I wanted to suggest that I have that specific mental illness. Heyyy maybe I do? Damn, I need to get my neuro-evaluation back on the books.

**First my Talkspace therapist recommended her to me, then a clinician from Woburn Wellness IOP (my virtual rehab <3) was a big fan of her and would play her videos if we requested it. The videos may have resonated with me more than the guy's at Dean's house, but some of her theories seem to have helped me so far. Maybe I can get her opinion on if I'm implementing her research findings. The main reading/viewing I've done of her work is The Power of Vulnerability TED Talk and The Gifts of Imperfection book she wrote.

I'm not editing this, FLAGGING another full article to overhaul when I get all the initial content out (TO FUTURE-ME: remember to just search for the word 'flag' in all posts, don't make this difficult for yourself).

2021 updates as of 1/22/2021

I saw that tweet from MTV asking for words of support for Colson, so I figured since his album technically saved me from a sure death by fentanyl I at least could update this post and share it... I still refuse to edit the mess above (deep-diving into my brain is no fun), and I hate the thought of publicly sharing this blog when it's so far from ready... but if there's even a 1% chance that it reaches him or helps 1 person get through a tough day, it's worth it. SO, I realized I hadn't even listened to the extra songs on the sold out/deluxe version before writing this - cannot leave out my new faves:

SPLIT A PILL

"these pills I take don't heal me - these pills I take might kill me" the irony here is that I'm writing about how the album is saving my sanity which is the only way I can continue not relying on painkillers for happiness... and yet this song STILL hits home. Listening now, I'll give my thoughts as I go ;) "Last night I had a flight but I missed it for you" - german boyfriend, sound familiar? in fact, I've skipped more than 1 flight to allow for some loving days to continue... worth it.

LET'S SPLIT A PILL AND BREAK-UP... will you open your window, just to hear you say fuck you? ... antidepressants are in mind, can't buy the love you saved inside so I'm broken this time.... I was high but I think it's time to come down... I'm okay with being hated" (trying to be - it's hard work when you've been a people pleaser for life)

"I'M SOBER NOW AND I DON'T CARE" --> seriously, not caring about anything was initially a relief but, like most things, turned into a worry that I was a zombie... luckily(ish) I went from not caring about anything into such a deep depression I finally understood why people would be suicidal (I would never - my dog needs me!)

BODY BAG

I didn't know I was a YoungBlood fan until now, and then hold up- THE USED!? Brings me right back to the emo days of high school I've been re-living so much lately (pink hair don't care), their chorus hits my soul in all the right ways.

I'M NOT MAD, I just want us to be better, it feels right when we're together, okay?

I just cover up my temper, you're supposed to love me better baby, so put me in a body bag.

But of course it's MGK who brings me to tears:

SHE'S ON MY WISH LIST - she knows my pressure points it hurts... I've got my issues, but I have the right to think you're wrong.

CAN'T LOOK BACK

Somedays I'm a kamakazee, there's no way you can fucking stop me. I can't look back, when the memories look like that, I take the blade out of my pocket cut the strings that were attached...

I'm literally smiling and in such a good mood just singing along now. THAT is the magic of this album. I don't know what magical power this man possesses, and I did worry that turning 30 would kill the connection since he references 29 (I'm sure I wrote about that originally), but luckily it's still a cure-all for everything.

HANGOVER CURE

Oh man the entire beginning is just so perfect. "first dates are always uncomfortable... I'll admit I'm a little dysfunctional, ARE you okay with the fact I'm a little off track to be honest? I've been through relationships, I've never been in love, but I want this..." I need to add all my dating stories to this (another item for the to-do entry.... sad when updating a to-do list is on a to-do list), but I've been on so many first dates and let me tell ya, always uncomfortable is right.

when the clothes are off, and the phones are off... even the silence that I have with you is okay. ever since you walked away, I can't wait to taste your breath...and I can't wait to see what's next <3 oh boy, I need to stop listening before I wake my german bf up (midnight there... oh but it's friday, maybe I should) just to tell him I miss him. I AM NOT A ROMANTIC, cut the shit sammi. it's just a great song - great enough to melt my icy heart ;).

It gets better: THERE'S A MOVIE NOW!

...seriously, it's like MGK knew that 2021 needed a good start so he kept the Tickets to My Downfall train moving. So excited to watch it.

UPDATE: 1/28/21

Watched it... amazing. Check it here: