to all the boys I've ever loved...

UPDATE 7/31/23: If you can't handle me, get away from me. I'm done apologizing for being me.

I didn't start this with the intention of it being a letter, but it took a turn at the end and I'm going with it. Let's call this... a livestream with a twist, because it is a bunch of free-flowing thoughts, but they end up being more cohesive (relatively speaking). Anyways, 20 minutes ago this is what I started with so it's what the start of this 'letter' is:

This is one of those “why am I like this?” moments, and I’m realizing that as someone who prides themself on being self-aware I actually am quite blind to how I make the (very short list of) people I love feel. Maybe I’m not as self-aware as I thought … which could be good or bad, although I can’t hate myself much more so maybe it’s good? Well, it's good only if I manage to become more self-aware while not doing or saying things I regret... ah, that's the key, duh.

I just don’t understand how I continue to make the same mistakes over and over. Like most things I thought sobriety would fix, my impulsive thinking/actions in response to feelings is still brutal. I just don’t have painkillers to shut up the thoughts, so I’m writing this instead.**

At least the behaviors are less dramatic - although no, I still am as ashamed of saying things I don't mean about someone I love just because we're arguing as I am of any dramatics I've pulled in the past. If anything, this feels worse, because I'm assaulting my own character.

How to make positive behavior changes… I’m certain I’ve read self help books about this. What frustrates me is how simple it should be - things that should just be natural behavior in my character - to use the same example again: “don’t talk shit about the people you love even if you’re mad at them” seem to be missing from my psyche ... until I self-sabotage my relationships. Maybe that “headway” app I downloaded will have some summaries of books about how to stop this version of my madness. Or maybe I'll start to do more than just take accountability for my actions and make changes - I thought I was, yet here I am: Alone wondering why I insist upon breaking my own heart.

I’m the first to say “talk is cheap” so why haven’t I been able to get my actions to fall in line with my words? On any level? It’s something I’ve been aware of in various forms for years, particularly making plans then bailing, but this is even worse. I can’t expect a boyfriend to trust me when I can’t seem to trust myself from day to day - clearly whatever all natural mood stabilizer the doc has me on could be stronger. But no, that’s not the answer, I need to hang on to my core values even in times of heightened emotions. It really just boils down to “treat others how you want to be treated.” … because of course my conclusion of what I hoped would be a great revelation can be summed up in a cliché. My hope is that getting the thoughts out of my head and on here will eventually lead to me changing my ways - no matter how long it seems I’ve made the same mistakes/continued to be determined to hold on to behaviors that don’t serve me. This is definitely a topic for IFS therapy. Sigh.

To all the boys I’ve ever loved… I’m sorry, and I’m working on being better. Not for you, but for me, so I can love myself and therefore hopefully someday be lucky enough to fall in love and maintain a healthy relationship.

xx Sammi

**HAH that makes it sound like such a simple choice - let me rephrase, I’m writing here instead after 3 years of a mostly antisocial/depressed lifestyle in which I moved 4 - soon to be 5 - times, all with the goal of achieving a healthy lifestyle (mainly, painkiller & other substances free, but exercise and a good diet are trying to emerge) where I choose writing my thoughts out as opposed to anything more destructive. That's more accurate.