October Mayhem of To-Dos
The irony of being unable to do anything when you have the most to do: an insomniac's true story. WHY AM I LIKE THIS!? This is not to be published, tbis is to be sane. I need to prioritize... I need sleep. Then I can handle all the rest, even if thats tomorrow, because I'll lose my mind soon - I dont like feeling manic. It is as if everything I'm thinking needs to come out of my brain at once, and I have no control over it. This is supposed to be about recovering, but whether or not its shame I need to work out in my own heart before letting the world see it. My ego is fragile - I dont know why, and I wish it wasnt, but right now is not the time to publicly spiral out of control. or is it?? I dont know, but right now it feels like theres something wrong with me yet I'm also incredibly happy. I work by procrss of eliminatiom when fixing code... but theres too many immeasurable factors in real life.
In conclusion, feelings suck.
Work
- repeat rates by brand
Life
- colorado tickets
- square medical appt
- taxes
- limo for friday night (ASAP)
- NC tickets?
- get the printed papers for pepper from em (newton)
- exercise/yoga/food
...it's 11/18/2020, but just found a draft titled "MFSB:GAH" in my google docs, so pasting it here:
Alright I don’t feel like sitting at my computer but my head is fit to burst with all these thoughts for a post,
After a week filled with existential crises and a clear need to get back in touch with my therapist because it’s been a few weeks and I need a sanity check (maybe I should just send him this? I love Talkspace) HOWEVER I figured out how to not chicken out from writing more here and keeping this moving! Thoughtstream bullets, bc my fingers can’t keep up with my thoughts (I def have too many per minute or an off ratio):
- Goal #1: I solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (hah):
- Why? because while my first entries were writing whilst under a pink cloud of sobriety (so cliche) reality has retuned you remind me I’m far from fully recovered. And maybe there’s some truth to the whole “it only works if you work it” thing, except I’m coming up with my own steps.
- Not recovered? What more do I want from myself? One of my points here is that addiction looks different for everyone … so how do I know it i’m recovered? I want no prescription meds unless the neuro doc says they’re absolutely necessary. Safe to say I have a long way to go before I reach that goal. And how will I get there? I plan on finding out by experimenting with ways to always be honest and not care what people thing - fuck it, to figure out my life values- and using this blog to record what works or what doesn’t.
- I have a lot of learnings from quitting opiates, so hopefully I can share some while writing about what works (and what doesn’t/hasn’t in the 8 years I tried to quit opiates… heyyy, how “not” to quit drugs!!) in order to help those other high functioning addicts out there.
- It appears the writers workshop im taking has been helpful…
- Brand influencer?? Candles??
- the social experiment on insta to prove I don’t have to be a people pleaser and can handle people not liking me - ABSURD that logically I can say that I don’t care and I’m confident (and believe it!!!) only to be shaking after ONE measly confrontation when I expected millions! I am ashamed to say it hurt. I questioned my own sanity 🤦🏻♀️ until I remembered that at the end of the day, I only TRULY care about what very few people think about me - and they love me unconditionally ❤️ soi’im hopeful this brene-brown approved lifestyle helps keep me sane.,,, otherwise i’ll lose my mind for sure.