Trust Issues

Livestream style, because as usual my thoughts are complete chaos.

My entire life I have been too trusting - my childhood didn't leave the types of scars that would result in trust issues and I always dated great guys... until the last one. I thought I had a connection with my ex that clearly never existed, and I'm annoyed that anytime I let my mind wander there I get sad about it all over again. On the bright side, I've always wanted to be less trusting, so I guess these new trust issues with the world are a good thing in that sense?

It's not like I had never been lied to before - so why did it hurt so badly this time? What made the difference between all the other times I've been taken advantage of vs. now? Age? Heartbreak? I'm not sure, but I need to make sure I don't miss out on good connections just because I've lost the ability to trust anyone.

Another bright side: I'm finally starting to trust myself. There's a win! I didn't even realize that until I just had the thought "the only person you can trust is yourself" - in the past, I didn't trust myself, and for good reason: being an addict doesn't inspire a great level of trust. On one hand, keeping my addiction a secret required so much subterfuge that I was 'all out of lies' for everything else, but I realize now that my 'people pleasing lies' (anything I say to someone that isn't a 100% honest statement) persisted post-addiction too. In fact, those types of lies - like not telling someone I had a boyfriend - are what caused so much tension in the short yet brutal relationship that caused these new trust issues. So per usual, it's all my fault. I knew that though, I guess I just never stopped to think about why I was telling lies because I was so focused on being annoyed that my privacy was invaded. Hell, I never even worried about my phone or journal being looked at, because I didn't recognize that I was saying anything wrong. Obviously, in hindsight, I realize why someone with trust issues wouldn't be thrilled at seeing anything besides statements of love to the world. So, what's the takeaway here? Do I trust myself? Or, scary thought, is there no one on this planet that I fully trust?

Interesting thought, and what's more interesting is that I went from blindly trusting everyone to not trusting a soul. It's not so much that I think people are lying to me and more that I have come to realize everyone is always acting in their own best interest. I've always known that, but I never felt it the way I do now. This means I need to be able to trust myself, which is why I'm writing here. If I can't be honest here then I'm just doomed: write it on my gravestone "at least she tried."

Trust is a weird concept - I'm going to look up the definition:

Using 'truth' in the definition is cheap so let's look that up too: the quality or state of being true, okay fine I'll look up true:

There we go: in accordance with fact or reality. That's interesting, because as far as I can tell everyone has their own perception of reality, so who's to say what's true? How do you distinguish fact from fiction when everyone's facts are different? I guess it just comes back to the importance of being able to trust myself - I have to believe in my own perception of reality. Interesting. So, what do I need to do differently? How do I move past this annoying 'trust no one' phase I'm finding myself in?

... TBD. It's a Friday night in Charleston, maybe I'll find the answers out there.

xox,
Sammi