useless

4/20/21 update before first publish: I had to back-date this 12 days ago (according to what I think the editor page said) because that's when I wrote it, and as I said in the excerpt... the only point of even putting this up is because of my "no deleting and publish it all" rule (maybe it's just the honesty rule, idk, I'll figure it out) and to prove something oh so important to myself:

FEELINGS ARE SO DAMN TEMPORARY THAT NONE OF THIS IS RELEVANT ANYMORE.

...yeah, 12 days. not even 2 weeks - and that's not to mention that I stopped caring nearly as much well over a week ago. maybe I had some assistance from a god of sex (lollll def need a better nickname but going with that for now), but either way I need to remember that "this too shall pass" is as accurate as it gets.

this is so irrelevant to me I almost forgot to clarify: I still need the money back. and by "I need" what I mean is 'my brother wants because apparently letting me be taken advantage of is not something he's willing to let slide.' want to know what's more important to me than his desire to ensure I'm not financially taken advantage of? the fact he understands my inability to do as I'm told in a way that none of the other humans on this planet seem to. love you kiddo- I'm sure this still applies whenever I buck up and let you know this exists (maybe in a decade or so).

And now, back to your regularly scheduled program - I mean my original thoughts on this subject... below the line. After I re-did my fun learnings of how to edit a webpage :) next I have to figure out how to make those changes persist globally...

for Unreliable A's sake, I hope I manage to mainly write rather than send messages tonight. I think "I finally understand what it means to wish you've never met someone" pretty much summed up all the thoughts I could need to share.

...and if not, I'll write them here! win/win. off to utilize these nail paint strips - who knows, maybe even add some blue to the pink mess of my hair.

benefits from meeting:

... oh he's kind of funny, so I guess some laughs?
- the 2 times we had sex were great but absolutely not great enough to make up for this list of negatives... but now if I say he at least needs to be a useful fuck buddy it sounds like I'm using the money to get sex, and I do not need to pay for good sex - my damn vibrator does better than any guy I know.

NEGATIVES

- down over $5k (great job sammi, went up $100 from 2015 - but Al - BOTH Al's, I got this, you can stand down... you know I'll let you know when/if that changes)
- ruined my last night of that fantastic getaway by no call/no showing after "100% will be there" ... why the fuck people can't manage to call and cancel these days is beyond me. fuck everyone that does that.
- according to my j-baby, wasting time on him is the equivalent of "absorbing his toxic energy" and my girl hasn't been wrong yet.
- at least 2 other nights spent disappointed waiting to hang out or even for a call... ew, that sounds so pathetic. HOWEVER, I stand by the fact that if you say you're going to do something then either do it or cancel!*
- questioning my own judgement of character BIG TIME. I honestly don't know if he's satan, a southie fuckboy, or a nice guy in a bad spot - no, definitely not the last one. He's in a bad spot, but absolutely not a nice guy.
- he actually said the words "oh sorry I thought you were trying to hook up and I didn't want to" while all I wanted to do was go over my ideas to get HIM out of financial trouble... go. fuck. yourself.

fuck i hate snapchat, the back button always turns into a video call. i did get a laugh that it refers to him as 'unreliable' .. and said i didn't mean to call, just was debating deleting until futher analysis (here) showed that the negatives completely outweigh the positives so once I stop finding him funny we'll be good to go. oh right, except for the fact I shackled myself with $5,1690 reasons to stay connected to the asshole. GAH.

*is that why he knew I'd be such an easy target? Because I waited, got mad, and forgave instantly? he acted like he was finally trusting me with his 'connections' but then later said he only got into it recently... clearly he needed someone to buy them... where did he think his part of the money was coming from? How did he not know his bank would be over drafted if this has been happening for months? ...Most importantly: WHY THE FUCK DID I THEN LEND MORE TO MAKE HIS BANK ACCOUNT NOT NEGATIVE!?!? the girl! Sammi sammi sammi you must remember the innocent 8 year old or else you'll lose your sanity wondering how and why you got played so easily.