Unsent Texts

7/31 @ 12:18AM --> I have a 2 google docs for this chapter, the first is from 7/27/2023 and has the same title, just copying and pasting here:

Unsent texts are becoming a theme in my life so it’s time to better incorporate them into my future bestseller: instead of saying things I later regret to the incredibly small number of people in my life I care about enough to argue with. If that makes sense - if it doesn’t, then even future me will put my hands up and say MFBS was proof of insanity. Ideally that won’t be necessary in any form of legal context - okay yeah let’s not put anything out there that doesn’t need to happen, that gets me back to my point:

I need something to keep myself from drowning in my own thoughts. That’s something I almost said to Tyler instead of coming here - but most of what I think really doesn’t need to be said. That’s why I love MFBS: it’s my outlet. I’m not trying to pen the next great scholarly classic or self help winner - I’m just a human trying to stay sane. Preferably without alienating the few non-family members I’m still close with … and unsent texts are going to absolutely continue to be shit I almost send to Tyler. In the past I varied it up amongst my friends more, but god bless any poor soul that has tried to date me because I do not make it easy. But I can change my behavior! That’s my goal here, even if right now it feels like I’m just keeping a diary online, I also know that amidst all the mayhem, distractions, and illogical plot twists are some real gems of life lessons.

It has become easier to write without feeling frantic or rushed to “get all the truth out while I had motivation” - that’s because I didn’t decide to dedicate an hour to MFBS, I just realized there are some things I’ve been putting in notes (mainly unsent texts, hence the name… should book quotes be separate? TBD) that fall into a few categories:

• There is no reason to say them; superfluous is the word that comes to mind.
• Things I have not thought through fully and need to take a few breaths (or preferably hours) to make sure I won’t regret saying
• “ear worms” … like a song stuck in my head but a phrase instead of lyrics. songs are way more fun, maybe I should try writing lyrics instead of just rambling nonsense, I’ll save a future few chapters for it.

7/31 12:17AM: Re-reading that hurt, because despite all the evidence to the contrary, I realize I truly still had hope he meant he said it when he loved me and was trying to be better for him. Sick joke, he can't even come over without being paid for it - thank fucking heavens I said no unless he slept over. There's a life lesson to add! Ooh how quickly things continue to change, even when you think the worst has already happened. Anyways, on to the next...

From 7/30 (past midnight the night before last I'm guessing since I haven't slept much this week) was "Love Lessons:"

once upon a time I thought I was in love. Instead, I got my heart smashed to pieces again and again. The only silver lining is the lessons learned - all things I’ve always known yet chose to ignore in the name of “love” … but this wasn’t love.

• If someone says they love you while sleeping in someone else’s bed, they’re lying.
• Anyone that can live with me one month and someone else the next while saying he loves me either can’t handle being alone or doesn’t want to lose access to the easy money he gets from me.
• Love isn’t meant to hurt like this.
• If someone loves you, you won’t have to question it. And you certainly won’t have to pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege of a break up conversation.
• Anyone who could read the entirety of my heartbroken thoughts and STILL not show up doesn’t know what love means or is lying about ever loving me.

That last one hits extra hard. Guess I wasn't worth it enough to prove he loved me for more than the time it took to get paid - at least I know. I'm not sure if I mentioned wanting to move all the notes in my phone, but I'm leaving those there. I don't know if I believe he read them, because I can't reconcile someone doing what he has (and hasn't) done to me caring enough about what I think yet doing nothing about it. I have to assume he just read enough to make me think he read it, otherwise I'll go insane wondering how on earth we could speak such different languages. Anyways, as I think I wrote in the first one, I thought I would use this to keep from texting Tyler my insanity, but now it's just going to be a general-use case of all the potential texts I say that I should save for later (or just here). All the notes can stay in my phone, they’re private with the ex, but “unsent texts” is sticking around long after I’ve forgotten his name - based on how I finally feel now, that won't be long.