Unsent Texts 3

I am thanking my lucky stars I finally learned my lesson and started posting texts I want to send but know I shouldn't in here (or in google docs to be transferred here) instead of sending them - ohhh how differently yesterday could have ended if I had given into my anger/frustration/sadness and sent any of these. And, as I mentioned in my previous post, this entire doc was written before everything changed with the ex. Now? I have nothing left to say, sent or unsent. THANK YOU UNIVERSE! I wish him nothing but the best, as long as it's far far away from me.

P.S. It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge that I did my fair share of lying when the relationship started - I think I pointed that out in the 'forgiveness' one, but it's another reason why I let him get away with so many lies and why it's been easier for me to forgive him than myself: I felt like I deserved to be lied to, because I did text other guys while we were first dating. I was scared of commitment after so many years avoiding it - scared of how strongly I felt for him, scared that by planning a future with him I would lose my sense of self, all sorts of things I worked through with my therapist. Maybe I did deserve to be lied to, but I am not that person anymore. I am FINALLY proud of myself for getting to a place where I can recognize the difference between just telling someone what they want to hear and being truly honest.

From September 18th @ 3:30PM:

If I replied to the insincere “let me know how you are, I've been worried about you” text from the ex Saturday night…

“great other than when I think about all the ways I let you break me”

“I’d be better if I never met you, or at least if you had never lied and said that you’d never put another girlfriend over our friendship. Forgiving you is easier than forgiving myself, and I know that by opening the door to communication it would be taking 10 steps backward from all the mental progress I’ve made without you.”

“You don’t care about anyone other than yourself and only pretend to worry because you owe me money and I have a true friend at my side willing to make sure you don't rip me off, so fuck off” (anger feels so so so much better than sadness)

“I would be great if you weren’t a manipulative liar with an ego too big to ever fully feed and more self esteem issues than ever had.”

“I’m great, but would be better if you’d stop pretending to care and just paid me back so I could stop ever having to think of you again.”

“Worry about your girlfriend instead - maybe she still believes you’re the guy I originally thought you were. I went on a date with a DEA agent yesterday and got my first ProPet client last week, so talking to you does nothing but bring me down. No matter how badly it hurts that you were never the best friend I thought, I refuse to believe anything you say ever again.”

“There’s a plethora of apps you can use to check on my well-being if you weren’t more worried about me telling your girlfriend you’re a lying cheat.” ooh that’s a good one…

…this is fun, and much better than having him actually see how badly he’s impacted my well-being. Plus, I promised he’d never hear from me again… and while I’m undecided on the differences between breaking a promise, being a hypocrite, and just changing my mind, I know in my bones that opening that door leads to nothing but pain and depression.

Closing Thoughts

If that last bold sentence isn't proof I can finally start trusting myself again then I'm not sure what is. The tiny part of me that wanted to rush back to Raleigh as soon as I heard he was single was COMPLETELY obliterated when his ego couldn't stand me thinking she dumped him, which is the only reason my eyes were FINALLY opened to how much I let my feelings for him and desire to believe him pull the wool over my eyes - in hindsight, it's so painfully obvious, but I so badly wanted to trust him and keep the door to friendship open (despite everything) that I let what I thought was a genuine connection with another human being blind me to the fact I was being told nothing but lies. Live and learn: now, I can move on with no regrets, only relief and gratitude for dodging that bullet.