what am I doing

Aaaaaand I'm back in Florida after getting 2 unexpected job rejections. So much for my trip up the east coast. I would have loved to have made it to see all the new ridgeback puppies at Nicky's, but I can't justify that drive without having a job. I really thought I had the one at Landing in the bag - but nooo, the department head had to leave to start his own business and now they're trying to figure out how to restructure. At least I know I have a few good conversations coming up about potential jobs - and I'm certainly working on that patience virtue. My stuff is now currently located in: Raleigh (storage unit), RR NC (my sister's), Charleston (dutch's), and here in Florida at my parents. I have a month and a half to decide where I want to live - I'm leaning towards Charleston, but I really miss my brother ... I just don't think going back to Boston would be healthy for me.

To Do Lists For Days

There is SO MUCH I could/should be doing: continuing to build up ProPet Content, being more proactive about deciding what type of career I want
(including considering going back to school, since that's an option now), talking to people - I've been less antisocial, but a random call I shockingly answered from someone looking into getting ketamine therapy reminded me that I REALLY need to catch up with Jill's dad and write about the experience for him. I know I started it somewhere... but maybe I could even work for The Jillian Foundation? Who knows, all I know is I have got to figure out what my goals are and start working towards them. Side note: that was an excellent conversation, further proving my uncle dave is THE MAN.

Instead of working on the take home python interview today, what did I do? Use my yoga swing on the beach. I guess it's better than just laying in bed reading, but seeing as I am officially out of Vyvanse tomorrow (oh boy) I really need to get this done tonight. Although no, fuck that thinking - it's not like it helps that much, so how bad will I really be without it? Worst case: I lose all motivation and embrace the darkness for awhile therefore missing the job interviews I have lined up for this week. That sounds bad, but ya know what future self? IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. I'm in a fortunate position where I will not be in dire financial straights for awhile (thank you Geico for the $$ to fix my car that I'm absolutely not fixing yet and thank you ProPet Content for existing) so if I don't get a job anytime soon it's really not the end of the world. As Baby Al said...

Living is a Full Time Job

When she said that, it really hit home. I just need to remember to be grateful that I don't have a family to support or need another income right now. I know I'd end up going insane if I don't have some sort of purpose or job, but maybe it's time to finally look into starting up that orphanage/animal shelter? Maybe not that extreme, but basically I need to go back to the drawing board and decide what it is I want to do with my life. Soon my student loans will be paid off and for the first time in my life I'll be able to think about the future without needing to sell my soul to corporate america just to ensure I can pay the ridiculous amount per month in student loans - safe to say that's a huge blessing, and I'd be absolutely nuts not to stop, breathe, and think about what it is I want to do with my life.

Me Myself & I (&Maige)

I've finally realized something else important: trying to base where I live around finding a soulmate is absolutely ridiculous. It's time to just live the live I want to live, and if I meet someone to spend that life with then great! If not, I have plenty of single friends to ensure I don't get lonely - and, hopefully soon I'll have even more dogs and some ducklings! :) I think that's why Charleston is so appealing: having friends there makes such a big difference. Raleigh feels almost as toxic to go back to as Boston - not because of drugs, but because my ex is basically the equivalent of a drug when it comes to my sanity, and I don't need that in my life. Thank you amanda for convincing me not to give into my boredom/insanity while driving yesterday and texting him - I know I would have regretted it. Maybe things will end up working out with the DEA agent, or the Serbian, or any of the other 'potential roster candidates' as I'm now thinking of them - but that doesn't mean I need to plan my life around trying to find a soulmate. If it happens, it happens. If not? I'm content, and that's plenty good enough for me. If I'm going to spend my life with someone else, it has to be someone I can't live without - and right now, I'm enjoying life on my own.

And MFBS?

Yeah, while driving I was thinking a lot about this platform... I've been using it to keep myself sane, but I was remembering all the original ideas I had for this: pictures of old journal entries, dating stories (god knows there's plenty of them from my 20s), and life lessons. I was even thinking of how to make this a platform that I'd want to attract people to... maybe some sort of forum or 'life lessons' section where people can talk/comment? I'm not sure, but at least I'm finally thinking about it so that's a win.

Gratitude list since I've been forgetting...

1. true friends - whether we talk daily or monthly or just via insta DMs, the true few I have prove to me every day that even at my loneliest, I'm never truly alone if I make the effort to reach out.
2. charleston - great place, and somewhere I can actually see myself being happy to settle down. unless I still use Landing to live in furnished apartments all over the country... or do a service trip... so many options. There we go, I'm grateful for options!
3. uncle dave & linds - I can't believe I answered the phone for a random number and had a conversation about ketamine therapy. I'm so glad neither of them warned me ahead of time because I would have avoided the call, when in reality I'm so glad I talked to her! It was so nice to talk to someone in a similar situation to myself, and further proved that my uncle dave is truly the best.
4. PCA - I am calling in to the pet creator academy call at 7 and going to enjoy it!
5. yoga swing on the beach - that was fun. it even motivated me to post on instagram which I've been slacking at for awhile.
6. olaplex (& my sis for recommending it) - absolute lifesaver for my hair.
7. my parents - what a change the last few years have seen with my relationship with them... talk about a total 180. I suppose that's the benefit of being honest, because I actually look forward to hanging out with them now and that's not something I ever would have said a year ago. I hate to think of them getting older, which is one reason I'm happy to be in Florida with them - they won't be around forever, and I want to enjoy their company for as long as I can.
8. Maige (always)
9. hinge - nothing like sifting through 50+ new 'likes' on a dating app to give a confidence boost.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I'm terrified what tomorrow will be like without my Vyvanse... but it's time to take the advice I've been listening to in all the self-help books and start facing my fears! Plus, it hasn't been helping really anyways. Worst case, I'll have the doc call in more during my appt next week and have my sister mail them again. I will NOT skip my interview tomorrow morning just because it'll be my first morning without taking it in awhile.

that's all for now - soon I'll start figuring out what it is I actually want to do with my future bestseller, because I'm finally getting to a point where I can look back on the past without wanting to crawl into a hole and die.

:)

xoxo,
Sammi