I'll deal with the title later. fuck, no dealing immediately post publishing because the URL is WAY too long with that as the title. this is what it was:

Nightly Check: Recovery Breakthrough or just a high idea boiled down to a cliche?

OMG ANOTHER UPDATE BC I JUST REALIZED THAT I CAN EDIT THE URL TITLE WITHOUT EDITING THE ACTUAL TITLE ... god, and I say I work in technology. I hate how big the pic is but whatever I need to just post it before I chicken out - I tried to make it smaller by adding more in the screenshot but that didn't go as expected... however it looks weird, and that's fitting.

Back to today's update:

I think I may finally be finding my way out of the dark days without relying on some sort of quick-hit pill fix. I realized I was psycho-analyzing myself via text to baby Al and a few other friends (the few kind souls that for some reason still put up with me, and for whom I will always be grateful) and, like those absurd livestream posts, I should save my analyzing for here.

Wow, I thought about putting in screenshots from my the imessage with al, but the new "reply" feature that I was obsessing over actually makes it a bit confusing - particularly combined with the fact that (per usual) I was typing away as fast as possible to capture all my thoughts. ANYWAYS, that perfectly leads to my summary:

I was sending a bunch of long texts because I was excited/annoyed/amused - nothing major, except that when I spend as much time lost in the darkness of my mind as I have since October I quickly hang on to any emotion - anything is better than the utter despairing inability to care rendered by depression. It's so bizarre to me that when I'm not in the midst of it (like right now) I think to myself "why couldn't I just think the way I am now to stop feeling so miserable?" ... but thanks to conversation with my other mental warriors*, I know I'm not alone in this thought.

* ('other people with mental illness' doesn't accurately convey our lives... not trying to "romanticize mental illness" as some IDIOT ignorantly accused malfy of - but as I told her, that means she's made it if people care enough to take the time to complain about her. what's that stupid song lyric? "love me or hate me I'm still an obsession"... right)

So while telling Al not to rush reading the texts (we have a pact of "no sorry" - I've started using that pact with the few people I actually enjoy talking to, it's very handy at weeding out people that just don't "get it"), I started doing my usual overthinking... it went like this:

1. RUDE MEMORY PROMPTED BY THE EVIL 'panel of judges' in my head (I need to figure out where that term came from to give credit - I know it's something Al sent me to read, NOTE TO SELF TO UPDATE!) What was the memory? Of being told I sounded "manic" with lots of "not meant to upset/offend" and "to be frank" type comments fluffing around it... but it hurt because it was from a close friend.
2. Following chain thought reaction sparked by memory - these all happen so automatically that they're probably thought and done in under 2 seconds:
3. "Shit, am I manic?"
4. "Well even if I am, is that bad? Mania = bipolar... but I haven't been diagnosed with that... OH, manic is bad because it means she thought I was high (or at least in general it's associated with being on drugs), okay so I should feel bad if I'm on drugs... am I? Let's see, mental drug checklist:
5. painkillers? No. God, I definitely wouldn't be worrying about this if I had taken them.
6. Adderall? 10mg over 12 hours.. and unfortunately my tolerance is SO high (not proud) that that's basically less impactful than the amazing new instant coffee I had from my friend's company, Cometeer -- NOT AN AD, HE'S REALLY MY FRIEND I SWEAR! ... technically the first guy I ever hooked up with that I wasn't dating, and I can 100% say he was the perfect gentleman and we remained friends all through school. he even gave my mom a baseball signed by some Red Sox player that was cool in 2009 (we met basically the first day of school - a whirlwind romance, because two 18 year olds released into the wild know not to tie themselves down right away). Ugh, see the mania? This is where my excited thoughts go, onto tangents whilst I'm mean to be describing tangents. ANYWAYS, back to the drug checklist:
7. Xanax: nope ... nice, good for me
8. others..? oh, my suboxone (which, as I said to Al, I wish I didn't get mad at myself for taking as prescribed - a low dose according to my NP - but unfortunately my deepest most stubborn subconscious is having trouble accepting the rational, plausible explanation given to me by doctors, my therapist, AND even my boss (because he's the man - 'boss' doesn't begin to cover it, he's more like my life mentor/guru).
9. OKay, anything else? FUCK, I should have taken my birth control and Venlafaxine (PRESCRIBED, and not short-acting/things you can get high off of), but that's fine I can do it now.

...anyways, sick, so I'm not high. So why was I mad at myself for feeling something besides depression? Because I started texting super fast with all my thoughts to a friend that KNOWS that's just ME?

the real me, just the version of me that feels emotions besides misery! Al has never judged me i don't think at least or thought I was on drugs just because of the way I speak while not-miserable. TO BE FAIR: I totally can see why some people would make that assumption - everyone tells both my sister and me that we talk fast. hell, the first pyschiatrist I ever saw out of college prescribed me adderall because of how fast I talked (no joke) even though I was there for anxiety! well, okay, anxiety was my formal reason - and not a lie technically, who wouldn't be anxious at suddenly being forced into the real world? but in reality I thought that getting treated for anxiety would fix the "pesky little habit" I had picked up my last 2 years of college (and by pesky little habit, I mean a full-blown addiction to snorting painkillers daily ... spoiler alert: that didn't work).

At this point of the mental torture, I texted Al explaining this subterfuge guerilla warfare going on in my subconscious mind before deciding it was better off analyzed in a blog post.

CONCLUSION?? All is well, I am just for once truly feeling things besides depression. And even if they're not positive feelings, anything is better than the darkness.

I suppose I shouldn't run headfirst into each emotion, such as:

• terrorizing a company on social media for being jerks with my expensive order - I'll analyze myself on that one later.
• picking up an argument with a friend from early October just because google photos showed me a screenshot of her last messages and I remembered that at the time I hadn't seen the messages until hours later and didn't bother answering. one of her angry ranting messages (maybe I'll attach the screenshot so this makes sense) said she was blocking my number, so I justified texting her just to provoke a possible reaction/let out some of my annoyance in 2 ways:
  1. Since I hadn't answered originally, I was being rude not to reply at all - maybe she had since seen the error of her ways (she had definitely been drunk when sending the nonsense in October - pretty sure none of my friends threatened to kill her, although it's a flattering thought that someone would do that for me - joke!) and would apologize. Why would I want that? So I could stop giving any passing thoughts to whether or not I should try and mend fences, since those passing thoughts are irritating and do not foster a zen reality: my initial reaction is always "fuck no, clearly she was never a real friend", and yet there's always the annoying part of me that HATES confrontation (which I plan to stamp out completely ASAP) and it says "well, could be worth a try to smooth any ruffles - even just for Katie's sake since she's caught in the middle if Erin bitch cares enough to not want to be places I am...
  2. This one is simple and selfish and I'm not even ashamed to say that - prolonging the feeling of being annoyed meant more time not being lost in the darkness. I shouldn't sacrifice the happiness of others to get myself out of pain... however in this case, the brat asked for it (sorry not sorry, I have to stop hating confrontation so this is me doing that!).
  3. Oops, make that 3 justifications, because obviously the fact I could still be blocked counts for something! By unblocking me it meant she was allowing contact - I'm sure she regrets that now, and that just made me SMILE. Am I evil? I don't care, because evil is better than being a depressed lump or a tunnel-visioned drug addict. The less of 2 evils and all, ya feel me?

Do I edit this before posting for once? Or would that taint the authenticity and therefore I should ask someone else to read it first... or I could just publish it and send my few trusted souls the link to read and tell me if I've totally lost my mind or not. Yeah, that sounds best - this way I can focus on some of the structure without risking re-reading (and therefore destroying/removing).

TA TA MOTHERFUCKERS! hahaha fuck now I have to attach at least the end of my argument/convo, or else that's just an inside joke with myself:

(fuck it, I'll post it after - just saw texts from the one and only baby Al who is SAVING my sanity and she's more important than a convo with a fake friend)

Alright, mission accomplished, now what did we learn tonight dear little neuropathways?

1. Stop caring what other people think (there's the cliche! I knew it'd show up eventually)
2. Trying is succeeding - literally just fucking don't commit suicide and you're winning! C'mon, the bar is quite low when I think about it... pretty sure I can manage not staying in the depression zone. IN FACT, seems about time to list out things I'm grateful for! That's right out of "things to do while in recovery: the manual" if such a thing exists (I'm sure it does). Here we go, no filter just going to type what comes first:
   * Baby Al, obvs! The texts she sent that diverted my focus from the tainted screenshotted argument were exactly what I needed to hear - she gave me the self-confidence I've been searching for so desperately the past few months. I guess admitting to being an addict just took a big hit on my self-esteem... although I remember discussing my lack of confidence in therapy from just about Day 1 so that's still a mystery as to where it went. Well, not a mystery so much the answer is more complicated than a sentence can summarize.

Woburn Wellness!:

1. Pierce, for getting me in via text because our mutual friend told him I don't like talking on the phone... bless both of their hearts
2. Neil, he ran the sober house for males that called into the day and evening sessions and I met him at the few in-person ones I went to... I don't know why he's taken me under his wing, but I'm damn grateful for it.
3. Mike - technically from square medical, and I don't even know exactly what he does but I do know that thanks to Neil he's essentially holding my hand through the process of guiding the medical/doctor aspect. Swallowing my pride and admitting I want some guidance/help/nudges in the right direction... or honestly, just to be taken care of, is VERY big for me - I pride myself on being independent, but clearly that pride hasn't been helping me anytime recently.
4. Juan who called just to check-in today ... such a nice guy, I never answer the phone but clearly the universe was looking out for me today because I answered! thanks Jilly <3

• DENVER, always. One of my taglines will be "Got depression? Get a dog."
• FamJam - Joey cooked a bomb dinner and has me smiling after being in tears without even trying, Mollie is my hero/inspiration,  and Mikey has never failed to provide just the right amount of support without being overbearing/condescending (idk how because I couldn't begin to guess at it even for myself, but he gets me).
• FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES!!! Cometeer (way to go matt!) provided me free samples of the best iced coffeee I've ever tasted, and Goldie is going to be taking pictures that are the main source of the excitement I've been talking about throughout this whole post :)

Okay, enough before I overthink the overthinking. Goodnight universe, I promise I'm trying. Amen <3